Monday, September 08, 2014

Life Changes--The Rambler Way changes.

My life changed.  And that change taught me I can definitely survive.  I won't go into details, but I do know why I got so immersed into this blog world.  Why I held onto every single comment from anyone I didn't know existed until they hit publish comment in my post.

Divorce.  That ugly goddamn word.  I swore up and down when my parents split, that hurtful word would NEVER end up as describing a part of my adult life.  I would work harder, I would love harder, I would do what it takes.  The reality, well MY reality,... was realizing, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, hard you love, some people just don't belong together.  Forever.

I won't talk about the ugly part of my separation cause who the hell cares about that...but yet the bitterly funny part of rejoining this world as a single person.

My first cynical single person moment was working my first holiday as a single person....Valentines Day and if you don't recall, I work in a restaurant.  I took phone call for reservations from men who just:

"loved the one they were with" (good for you),
"help me cause I think I might propose" (oh no no no no...don't flipping do it),
"my lady means the world to me" (yeah, well, did I mention I don't care).

All this while oozing out of my mouth.

"How sweet, of course I want to help you dote genuinely sappy love adoration upon the woman who rocks your boat."

I wore all black that day and told my staff it represented my ninja like abilities to steer clear emotionally from the sickening displays of affection about to enter our doors for a full 14 hours of work.

I'm pretty sure I puked inside my own mouth when I had to help with the proposal.  Then I sorta internally freaked out and thought I shouldn't really touch anything they eat, drink or put on a finger.

What if my divorce vibes rubs off on them?

What if I lose the damn ring he begs me to help hide in something to bring out?
What if she blasts him with a fat NO, points at my face and screams " I don't want to end up like her" while I hold her whip cream dessert hiding the ring this man worked all year for with a stupid smile on my face that says...I get it...I don't want you to end up like me either.

Screeching back to THEIR reality...I smiled through that whole thing as his woman screamed yes, thanked me for being a part of it, and everyone nearby cheered for them.

That day sucked my soul dry.  Being around a lot of love between man and woman, man and man, woman and woman...was too much for this newly single gal.  BUT...I survived.  Of course I did.

This year, I wasn't so cynical.  In fact, I wore a red shirt to celebrate the day.

I allowed myself to be more tolerable.  To swim with my head above the water.  (Albeit, screaming for a lifeline from the two romantically rowing a boat oblivious to the dramatic person drowning in ankle deep water.)  

More things have changed for me this year also....I'm smiling more.  But that's for another post.

1 ramblings of your own:

Krissy said...

a very warm welcome back to you Rambler. nice to see you blogging again. i really missed your witty and revealing blogs. so glad to hear that you're moving on with your life and i can't wait to see what kinds of changes it holds.