Found this beautiful picture on the internet a LONG LONG time ago. I wish I could remember so I could give due credit. But it best exemplifies my post. Her nakedness translates to me that there is nothing to hide. This is her. Take it or leave it. She is a peace with herself.
I'm not sure how this post will go, but I've had an enlightenment in my life that I feel I really need to spill on the pages of my blog.
For me to come back to and remember this feeling and this moment in my life.
This won't be my usual funny haha type of post. It is a heavy post. Maybe it might include humor. Because humor is what helps me defeat the depression that I feel I have lived and buried myself in for quite a while.
I'll start quickly with that it probably started the day my parents divorced. I was 11, maybe 10. And my kid brain tried hard to process that a big change was going to take place. And the life that I lived so care-free of hurt and disappointment
(other than NOT getting ice cream for dinner...insert humor to break tension here), wasn't going to be my norm.
My mother took my baby sister with her to California to heal from my father leaving her for another woman. A woman that my middle sister,
Antibloggedy, and I had to live with for some years. A woman that hadn't expected to be living with 2 children.
It wasn't so bad for my sister, but I think now, I know, I was always my mothers daughter. I would fight little battles that children fight to honor their fallen mother's name. To remind my father and his new girlfriend that I was once a part of a family unit that I thought was strong and could withstand anything.
Longer story made less longer is that my father's girlfriend and I did NOT like each other. Like Chocolate & Sardines. We did not belong together.
(But hey, if some of you like that combo...who am I to judge?...more witty repertoire for you). I was generally a very happy go lucky type of girl. Found the silver in EVERY lining.
For whatever reason, she chiseled parts of my confidence and belief in life that I am worth something. When my father said my sister and I were going to move back to be with my mother....I packed fast and ran hard. And glimpsing, surprisingly, tears from a father that his girls were leaving him.
What? You WANT us to stay?
But....you've always picked HER. The one that hisses at my very presence. The one....that at 13 years old pulled me into the living room while you were at work and told me I was spoiled and couldn't believe my father threw me a birthday party. How I wasn't deserving of one, how ungrateful I was, and other insignificant words she continued to make me listen to.
That moment...I did feel like I didn't deserve...anything. I was a child, she was the adult. She was right. Right? I believe I cried the hardest I had ever cried as a child. Alone in my room. That moment defined me. It created who I was to become. I smiled less, and walked in every one's shadow.
Because it was safer.
I've felt 'unworthy' from that moment. I've pretended through life how wonderful things are when people make fusses over me. Because I'm waiting for them to roll their eyes and tell me how inconvenient it is for them. Parts of me really don't like parties thrown for me. Not because I don't love a party. But for me? Why?
They say the funny ones always have some sadness in them. For their comedy is their shield. Their comedy is for so no one else hurts. For me, I've had to find the funny in my life. The funny allowed me to surface for air.
Constantly as an adult and more so as a parent, I often wonder how can someone hurt a child emotionally? What purpose does it really serve? Can it really make them feel better?
My enlightenment came from my mother. She probably won't realize what that information was but a small tidbit of something she said released me of the chains I allowed my fathers girlfriend to bind to my spirit.
I have always been a person who will take the ugliest and last piece of bread so others can enjoy it. I never felt worthy enough to grab the first piece. The best piece. The piece I really want.
But I will now. Because I DO deserve it. I AM deserving of it.
The old me would never have written this for others to read. But she can rest now. She's fought hard to keep me afloat and now this new me wants to take the reins and let her breathe. Because this new me is worth it.
For those of you who made it through this post. Thank you!
Now excuse me while I inhale my Kleenex box. (ahem, more humor...to lighten the mood.)
