Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Homeless Man with a crappy bowel = Not a good day for The Rambler

Hells yah...It's iLove Tuesday Tunes over at Hotpants place.

So to start off this post I give you MY song for the week....

"Hey Soul Sister" by Train....(I heard this song and just fell in love...listen while I tell you the gory details of my horrendous first hour of work)

Okay...so while you listen (or not...whichever)...on to my most sh%&y of all work days. And when I say that word. I really mean shit.

Within a half an hour into us opening (some of you newbies around here, I run a restaurant)....an older man in his late 50's, who didn't 'appear' homeless, emerged out of my guests bathrooms. He quickly exited down the escalators and out the front doors.

In every space he occupied I could SMELL him. GAG.

Yes...I did say SMELL. GAG

Down the escalators to my outside cafe I went and realized his smell seemed to be human feces were slowly grasping hold of my nose hairs.

The kind of smell when your baby makes THAT poop whose smell sticks around long after the trash has been taken out.

Where snorting Clorox would be the only way to eliminate the crap smell holding on for dear life at the entrance of my nostrils.

Now being the boss, you have to do things YOU don't like...especially when the ones who clean the nasty stuff don't come until much later...(like when we close and I had JUST OPENED).

Not wanting to die alone in a men's restroom while looking for poo, I had to drag in my male accountant to inspect the bathroom. He went in first.

HE walked out with a hankie over his mouth, tears in his eyes and a cologne sample bottle.

All we could think of was this Poltergeist lady...

"May the power of Christ compel you, may the power of Christ compel you".

and cracked up in hysterics thinking of him waving holy cologne water at the poo left in places OTHER than the toilet bowl...

When I say OTHER...I mean everywhere OTHER than the toilet. It was like a scene in those horror movies where the local sheriff comes upon a murder scene and everywhere he looks that music plays and heightens as he sees more and more carnage...you get it...well that was this bathroom. Only I was gagging at heightened levels.

Boys and girls, I had reached 'Lost My Cookies From Last Year' threat level.

A huge mop, GAG burning hot water, a full bottle of bleach, GAG sanitizer,2 managers who haven't gagged that hard in a long time GAG, 1 brave employee (of course I commandeered someone ), 6 pairs of gloves, and a crap GAG ton of paper towels that bathroom was sparkling clean.

And that people was how my week started...GAG.

39 ramblings of your own:

Grilled Cheese said...

How does that happen???

I mean, hey, I've had some days where I OD'd on fiber, maybe had too much coffee and then had Thai for lunch. Yes, that's my bad.

But how does one shit outside of the toilet?

I'll pray for your nose hairs, because I'm sure they were burned off when you threw all your clothes in the fire.

Wow, I hope your week improves!

Lisa said...

Oh my goodness, I'm sorry! I just felt a little queasy reading this - gag!

I hope your week improves 100%!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I'd ponder how one can miss the toilet, except the viusal would keep coming back.

Only good thing about what you describe - your day just HAD to get better after that.

Yankee Girl said...

Oh no! That's horrible! And GROSS. I am so sorry you had to deal with that.

I hope the rest of the week is better for you!

mo.stoneskin said...

Thanks for reminding me of that horrible lingering post-nappy-change stench.

sammy said...


i dont mean to laugh at your expense but i still have my immature moments and toilet humor, even though traumatic for those involved, is pretty damn funny to me.

this must be filthy people week because i recently posted about an airplane experience i just had. apparently the wolfman was seated right next to me!!

WhisperingWriter said...


Now I want to gag.

MammaDucky said...

First things first: I heart that song.

Now, to the really important question: How the flying F@#k does someone do that? Like really. Seriously. Did he wake up and say, "Hello Day, I'm going to paint some walls in crap today. Yup Day, that's what I'm gonna do."

Anonymous said...

Oh yuck! Sorry you had such a bad start to the week.

At least I only have to deal with my kiddos poo.

Annie said...

OK...I used to really like that somg, but now every time I hear it I will think of this "crappy" story. GROSS!

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

OMG!!!!!!!! I should not have read this while eating lunch. Blech!

Mad Woman said...

So, as a care worker, I deal with shit on a daily basis. But man, that story had ME wretching. Gross!!!

Hope the rest of your week (day!) is better!

Teri said...


But i love the song! :)

Kimberly said...

Wow. And I thought only Mondays sucked!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

OMG! Talk about soul sister. . . You found Randy Grippo!!!! Talk about coincidence -


ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

love train. love that song. love you and the bit about the poltergeist lady but hate the rest of the story. i HAD had the best dinner in ages and now it's stuck in my throat. thanks.

you should have called in the 1-800-got-junk people. or paid another homeless guy $20 to do the dirty work. UGH! i have to sleep and not sure i can now. make. it. stop.

Shan said...

Dude! I had to skim over this lightly because anything could make me retch on a moment's notice. Ach!

*Trynottothinkaboutittrynottothinkaboutittrynottothinkaboutit* (not really sure if that's for you or me, frankly... you poor poor thing)

Rowena... said...

Reminds me of the time when my neighbor had guests (he owned a vacation rental) who left the house in a rather unsightly condition. What is it? A feces fetish or something?

Anyways, I cannot believe that your uploaded video was BANNED from italian eyeballs! I can't view it!! All I got was the message (I'll just translate):

This video presents content from Vevo which has decided to block viewing in your country.

What on earth is in that video???

Kalei said...

hahahahaha.....Remember when you worked for STAR and they made you clean up after that older lady that pooped all, i mean ALL over the store. It's about time you got to give someone the same initiation rights!

Kalei said...

By the way, that guy must have totally been off his rocker, because there are FREE public restrooms all over waikiki. which one of you pissed him off?

Kalei said...

last one, I promise. this reminds me of that time someone came up to me and said "I think someone had an accident in the bathroom" when I worked at the restaurant in california. when I went to check it out, it wasn't an "accident" it was a nuclear bomb! The stuff was on the ceiling, all 4 walls of the stall and all over the seat. I am surprised this person didn't come out with the stuff oozing out of their ears....and by "this person" I mean "girl". Yep, a female did this.

The really sucky part is I puked on top of the stuff and my friend steve had to clean it up. I couldn't apologize enough for the puke. (I tipped him extra that day.)

Shorty said...

Oh man do I feel bad for you! I just don't comprehend why/how adults can be so gross sometimes. Perhaps if he was homeless then maybe he had some sort of mental instability or something... maybe he thought he was creating a masterpiece? Either way, I'm so sorry you had to deal with it. I hope your week only gets better and better my friend!

Unknown Mami said...

Shitty way to start the week. Honestly, I don't understand why people feel the need to be so creative with their poop disposal.

Anonymous said...

I'll never understand how that happens. Vomit spray I understand. Poop spray, I do not.

Karen said...

First, I am completely in love with this song and I less than 3 Train.

Second, That falls to the lowest levels of nastiness. I can't even imagine (nor do I want to!) how horrible it was to clean that up.

Mammatalk said...

Oh, wow! I am gagging over here.

Laughing a little, too...

Martha said...

Oh, Rambler, Holy Crapola, I am so sorry.

Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

I like that new song...your very funny!

Krissy said...

as i sit here laughing my f'ing ass off....you GAG rock GAG!!!!!

hiphophippie.com said...

Oh gawd! Horrible! Poor Rambler deserves rainbows and flowers, not this disaster!

Anonymous said...

interesting article. I would love to follow you on twitter.

*Mom's Best Bets said...

Just found your blog on Moms like me Hawaii!
You are a great writer-will visit again:)

Janna Bee said...

Ugh, I have been there. With my office mates... only it is not poop smell, it's something otherworldly! Sorry you had to clean it up.

Anonymous said...

I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing

オテモヤン said...


Terin said...

That was funny but disgusting at the same time.

I remember days like that from when I used to manage a grocery store.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now. Keep it up!
And according to this article, I totally agree with your opinion, but only this time! :)

The Blonde Duck said...

I hope this week has been better for you!

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