Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Erm, I'm a big fat liar

Argh. I can't help it.

I keep saying I'm "coming back" and then months go by and all you find in my bloggy space is cobwebs and rickety cupboards.

May. That is the LAST time I was here.

And it's now friggin October.

Le Sigh.

Any that are left....how are you people? (Mammatalk...you totally prompted me to come on. One of the first blogs I really really got into.)

Me?

The new job has taken over any quality of life I had a grasp on and stomped and spit on it.

Le Sigh Deux. (Is that even french...deux, does that even mean 2...Eh, whatever)

I may have been gone, but MAN did I experience SO MANY blog moments that I wanted to share. It's fitting I share something that is truly Rambler style.

I embarrass MYSELF for other peoples pleasure. So those who will gasp in disbelief when they see my name in their recent blog posts lists....here is what I'll leave for you.

(God help me for sharing this story today)

So it's time for my annual you know what? (said in a hushed whisper....the woman thing...the pap smear thing...yeah, THAT.)

It's a new Doctor. I've never met her and I want to make a good impression.

We go through everything I may have concerns about. I talk like I've never had a friend before, and spill my 4 hour movie long life story.

And then it's time to do the thing. I scoot my tosh to the edge. She says relax, I snicker inside and say "Sure, Aren't I?"

I start up the sequel to my first movie and don't hear her correctly when she says..

"Are you ready, I'm going to.......(halfway through some fantasy about being rich and never having to work again apparently is what was on my mind)....Ok?"

"Yah, Yah, Yah...I'm good"

WHOAAAAAA......

Apparently the missing part I agreed to was just her warning that she needed to check (with her finger, mind you) the number 2 area. The poop shoot. The exit only zone for husband.

What the what?

I clenched so hard because I almost....

(wait for it)

(promise...it's so Rambler)

FARTED.

from surprise.

When she said relax I just shook my head. For fear that if I spoke....I'd be 'too relaxed' if you know what I mean.

And then screamed at myself "Oh lord, even though she's scraped the inside of your whoo-ha, please don't embarrass yourself by farting in front of this nice woman doctor. Not on your first date visit."

And no!

Like a woman I held it in.

....Until I got to my car half an hour later.

Geesus, what kind of lady do you think I am?

True friggin story.

Le Sigh...Trois. (I looked it up that time...that's THREE in french )

Awesome right? (said so sarcastically)

17 ramblings of your own:

Mighty M said...

Uh, I've never heard of THAT happening during an annual exam. What the heck was she checking for?

Very nice to hear from you, don't stay away so long next time. :)

The Rambler said...

Mighty M...It's exactly why I was surprised!! I'd never had a check THERE.

Funny in My Mind said...

Welcome back friend!
I had the same thing happen without so much as a warning.
She didn't buy me a drink or anything later either.
And I blogged about it as well.

Kisha said...

Did you tell her that she must provide new sparkly things for you to wear before she can have access to that area? Cause that's what I tell the hubs, and it seems to work. :)

Great to have you back!!

Shorty said...

Not to worry my dear friend! I am always paranoid about the possibility of farting during those appointments! Matter of fact, in between counting ceiling tiles and telling myself not to make stupid chitter-chatter with the doc to try and hide my nervousness, I am telling myself, don't fart...don't fart...don't fart. I'm now 36 and have been getting pap smears annually since I was 15, you'd think I'd be a bit more relaxed by now. Not the case.

And welcome back! I've missed you! Thanks for your comment yesterday... it was so good to see your name in my email in-box!

MammaDucky said...

What the crap? Pun intended.
First things first: my heart sang upon seeing a post from you.
B: the poop shoot exam is new on me. Never had it done. Don't WANT it done. Especially since I have a male gyno. Yipes.

Shan said...

I'm just wondering if this woman has always been an OB? Maybe she recently changed offices and no one mentioned she'd be working with... you know... women.

So glad you're back!!!!

Mammatalk said...

Well, she certainly had her way with you, didn't she? LOL!

Good to have you back!

Courtney said...

Wow. She could have at least warned you. I've never had one touch there without warning me with something like, "I'm going touch your _____, so take a breath and relax, you're going to feel some pressure now." WTH? Not only was that unprofessional, but Rude. Jeez.

As to your question on my blog, the First Day of Kindergarten Goodbye doesn't really get easier, no matter if you have one kid or twelve. Kind of like watching them get stabbed in the legs for immunizations... it still breaks your heart. ;)

Mary at Deep South Dish said...

Oh MY! LMAO!!

hiphophippie.com said...

What in the hell was she doing?!?! Dear god, I hope I never have to undergo that check!

I love the hell outta you!!

Unknown Mami said...

I CANNOT stop laughing. Did she get lost? What the hell was she doing up in there? Does she need GPS? My stomach hurts from laughing so much. The only thing that would make it funnier is if you had actually farted.

hotpants™ said...

I have almost farted a couple of times during those visits. I tell myself that if it EVER happens that the good thing is that I know I can't be the only one. I can only imagine what those doctors have seen and/or heard. Welcome back. I hope you come around more often. :)

blueviolet said...

I hate when they do that. It HURTS!!! I must have a very tight butthole or something because that is just excruciating to me.

I'm glad you managed to hold in your fart! I've never farted from my exam-violated butthole before, but once I accidentally queefed when I sat up. That was humiliating!

Welcome back! I can not tell you how happy I am to see you back!

OliveStreetStudio said...

First of all - YAY to have a post from you!!

Second of all - I hope hope it isn't so long til the next time...

and THIRD, and most important (it is 8am in NY), I should NOT have read the post drinking coffee bc I sprayed it since drinking and laughing don't mix....

:-0 WB my long-lost blog-friend!!

Martha@A Sense of Humor is Essential said...

Ha, ha, you are one considerate patient, that's for sure!!
Good for you for taking care of your ladyparts.
I've missed you too, I've totally been bi+chs1apped by life too, hanging on in the blog world by a teensy tiny little thread aka 10 minutes a day.
Le sigh trois!

Ginette said...

Ok...I've never had that "area" checked. Really? They do that now?
But oh the internal thoughts.... I like that my doc post funnies & news clipping to her ceiling. It takes your mind off of it a bit.