Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Who doesn't want a little Muppet Soul? Guest Post #4

Oh blog people. Are you in for a treat today! I don't know or understand this type of blog love crush but I have it for Muppet Soul. And she crushes back. If you don't know this fantabulous woman blogger you must go now. Well after you read this post....but really.

This ends my guest posting peeps. I'll be returning back to full duty tomorrow (boo hoo).


Good day, my little Ramblitas & itos.

Today's guest post brought to you by Muppet Soul. ( That's me - just thought the 3rd person would give it a sense of occasion).

Miniature awkward introduction: Hi kids! My name is Muppet. I'm a 27 year old writer who lives in Los Angeles. On my blog, you will find my humiliating dating history ( just-the-tip in your belly button, anyone?), photo walk-throughs of Hollywood landmarks, the occasional paranormal story, and hostility towards whatever I see fit. I love bad weather ( was L.A. a bad choice?), public breakdowns, and Mexican hot chocolate which I can't seem to find anywhere. I keep repeating this in my guest posts - but if you are in any way muppety (covered in felt, eggs on your vocal chords, or walk with your arms moving independently of your body) we should be friends. Also? I love Rambler. I would like to let my hands ramble all up in her blouse.

So here I am, depositing some secrets like a suburban family man at a whore house. Rambler and I are both old married ladies ( try not to hold this against me). So naturally, as a guest poster, I thought we should discuss men I would like to do, marriage be damned. Originally I was going to write "Dead men I would do, Death be damned", but decided to mix in some live ones as well.

10 Men I would Do, Marriage Be Damned (In Random Order)

1. River Phoenix

Let's start with a dead one.

I know what you're thinking - the fact that he's been dead for 15 years might make a tryst slightly problematic.

But, as those-who-read-my-blog know, River Phoenix, in my mind, is the pinnacle of hotness, the Buddha-of-Hotness, the hot little hippie all hot-dead celebrities should strive to be.

In my fantasy, I am 15, 16... Old enough to be a little whorish, young enough to be a virgin. (Okay, maybe 14). I meet him, somehow, on the set of Stand by Me ( come to think of it I don't think there are any ladies, much less muppety-ones in that movie, but say I'm the one lady-extra).

He woos me.. He compliments me... He brushes the hair out of his face repeatedly just so I can watch, we openly mock Corey Feldman together. He insists on taking my virginity, and after brilliantly acting like there's something to contemplate, I oblige. He throws me down in the grass somewhere, and I let all of him flow through me like a.. well, you know.

This provides me with a much better virginity story than "I was watching Silence of the Lambs in some basement, and he had trouble getting it up and blamed it on the Salsa".

2. Brad Pitt

An oldie, but a goodie.

The fantasy must be pre-Jennifer Aniston, because who wants that sort of tabloid trouble.. Also, in the fantasy, I'm just as pretty as he is, because who wants that sort of blow to the ego...

We're spies in some south-american country... Some sort of gang war or government revolt breaks out, and we pretend to be husband and wife to avoid further questions as to why we are in this colorful country to begin with.

We end up sharing a bottle of Tequila in a rundown cafe, and long after the cafe has closed and the rain has started pouring down, I straddle him on a chair, mercilessly kissing and humping him. But, you know, sexy.

Actually that's a scene from Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but still.

3. Angelina Jolie

So she's not a man, screw you, it's my list and you know she'd be on yours, too.

Angelina decides, that despite her Mommy status, she is going to return to her weird-roots, and rejuvenate herself as the strange, slightly-dark Angelina.

She tells the ever-understanding-Brad that she cannot take the confines of being a monogamous heterosexual, and needs to appoint a girlfriend... When he asks who, she insists on a weird-little-muppety-writer. I get the weird-and-pouty Angelina while Brad babysits. She carries my blood around her neck and pouts wherever she goes.

4. Steve from Ghost Hunters

All together now - who??

Steve is my T.V. husband. He's this lovely man on this lovely show on Sci Fi, Ghost Hunters. He's an ex-cop who's a paranormal investigator, and gives personal-interviews with the egotistical manner & seriousness of a hardened politician. He's covered in tattoos, and is afraid of everything (flying, bugs, heights, etc. etc. etc.) and quivers at the thought of anything but ghosts. He's not the hottest guy in the world, but something about him has Muppety appeal.

In my fantasy, he insists I come along to all haunted locations, and when they're not filming we sneak off to weird places and he talks dirty to me about ectoplasm.

(My friend who works on the show insists that he's slightly dickish, and to not laminate my list if he's on it... I want proof!)

5. Johnny Depp

Another classic, a forever-kind-of-love. In my fantasy, he does me anywhere and everywhere, in his Jack Sparrow costume and saying weird things to me in french. Afterward, he would roll me a cigarette.

6. Matthew Perry

I know it's a little weird. And to tell you the truth, I don't know if I really want to have sex with Matthew Perry - I think it's more that I would like to have sex with Chandler Bing. The man makes me giggle in a non-threatening way and I have a funny FETISH.

If it were Matthew Perry.. Let's see... It's 2002 or so, and I accompany Brad Pitt when he guest stars on the show ( because, you know, after our South American affair, we're still friends). Mr. Perry slips me a note, and I go to his dressing room. He could not BE any more naked.

And if we're talking Chandler Bing, I guess in the fantasy, I'm Monica.

7. Jordan Catalano... err, I mean...

While we're on the subject of characters-more-than-actors...I realize Jared Leto is gorgeous, but Jordan Catalano is the stuff of DREAMS.

I want to be Angela Chase... I want to stalk Jordan Catalano in the halls of a Pennsylvania High School... I want to watch him lean against things, sigh dramatically, and take ten minutes to string together a sentence..

Then, in front of Rayanne, Ricky, Brian, and the whole damn school, I want him to walk down the hall towards me - in slow motion - and take my hand. And if I'm operating Angela Chase, here, I WOULD give him my virginity ( or at least omit the fact that River Phoenix had already taken it).

8. Matt Damon

Circa Good Will Hunting. It would not be an act of good will to give him a good humping.

9. Leonardo Dicaprio

Frankly, I think he's a bit of a douche bag... I loathe men who date models exclusively.. This is not a good indicator that he has an actual personality.

But the pre-douche Leo, the Leo of "Romeo & Juliet".. The Leo with the hair in his face, the Leo who could fall in love with a Claire Danes (damn her - she was ridiculously lucky for awhile there)...

I would wash his hair, then I'd devour him. Maybe gnaw off an earlobe.

10. Vince Vaughn/Will Ferrell/Steve Carell

Like I said, I have a funny-fetish... And since neither of these men particularly stand out as way-more-hot-than the other, let's just do them all, shall we?

Somehow, all three would insist that I was the love of their lives (and 2/3 would leave their wives). I would not be able to choose between them - like that episode of Golden Girls where Dorothy (sob) can't decide between Lyle Waggoner and Sonny Bono. Rather than lose me to another man, they all begin to woo me mercilessly.

Vince is a non-stop comedy routine, Will dirty talks me like that filfthy professor character, and Steve, oh Steve - Steve dances. Eventually they all agree to a four-way, and in the end, I choose... Oh hell, who do I choose?

And that, kids, is my list of men I would do despite being happily married. Maybe my husband could video tape.

Take care of my Rambler, or I'll take out my sexual-celebrity-fantasies on your leg.

19 ramblings of your own:

Anonymous said...

You had me at River Phoenix...

MammaDucky said...

Num-Yummy. I must note that I feel Vince Vaughn is the hotter of the three choices. I've always had a thing for him.

Christine said...

stopping by to say ALOHA....have been a bad blogger...(just busy with adoption paperwork...) anyway..I've missed my bloggy friends...have a great day.

Anonymous said...

I love Ghost Hunters! I thought i was the only wakado who watched that show!

And ME-OW...someday I will marry Matt Damon. It has been a dream in the making, but I am bound and determined to make it happen!

Sebastian said...

Pitt and Depp, definitely. I guess Jolie too, if my hand was forced; if it were an apocalypse or something, and we had to reproduce...

floreta said...

hahaha i firmly believe angelina jolie could turn any straight girl gay!!! at least for a day. mmmm yum.

and you posted skinny leo! haha he's beefed up in his older age.

and YES jordan catalano!! if i wish i were back in highschool (which i don't) i totally want the life of angela chase..
(does this make you feel old that her friend reanne played by AJ Langer turned 35 this year? ahhhh)

OliveStreetStudio said...

HA! Nice list...esp #2. Hubby and I have a standing agreement that if we were given the chance for a celeb one-nighter, we could take it...Mine is Mark McGrath pre-Entertainment Tonight (or whatever crappy show he did) when he was frontman for Sugarray - I guess he still is since he's back w/ the band....

Good Guest Post!

Perspective RAD said...

just stoppin' by to say "Hi"...Joaquin Phoenix would be my vote. Even if he is a crazy lost rapper. Somewhere in that fuzzy head of his is some depth.

Juls said...

Very "hot" interesting...funny...and crazee list. Love it! :) I'm off to check out your 'actual' blog now. Rambler--Loved your guest posts!

Anonymous said...

Jordan Catalono! Heck yes!

I'd rather do Jason Bourne than Matt Damon.

Christina said...

LOL! I know who Steve is! I like that show... and he's good eye-candy!

Sassy Britches said...

Wait, taking our your fantasies on my leg would be a BAD thing?

Serena said...

Angelina Jolie?! She can turn me any day of the week!

Muppet Soul said...

Rachel - you had me at having River Phoenix.

Mamma - Vince Vaughn is a tree man and I want to climb his branches.

So not mam-a-licious - Girl after my own heart - I LOVE that show. And you know Matt Damon isn't going to last with that waitress chickabee.

Sebastian - you could try reproducing with Pitt or Depp? Although this is why I dig your voice, I like to imagine you as Jack Sparrow.

Floreta - I read an article about Rayanne a few months ago - the amount of time that has gone by makes me want to hurl myself out a window and hit awnings on the way down.

OliveStreetRadio - I LOVED Mark McGrath pre-whoring-himself-to-E. He of spikey hair and dreamy eyes.

Perspective RAD - I would do him just to be as close to doing River as possible.

Juls - I am quite possibly legally crazy.

Hotpants - me too! Jason Bourne. Or Will Hunting.

Christina - I want to comfort him about spiders. Naked.

Sassy Britches - Wild horses couldn't KEEP me away from your leg.

Serena - I don't know who's luckier, Brad or Angelina.

Rambler - I love you like Glenn Close loves a married man. I want to cook your rabbit and have your babies.

WhisperingWriter said...

Fantastic list.

I love Matthew Perry. Yum. Same with Steve Carrell. Funny men make my knees quiver.

lagirl said...

And what about Ben Affleck?! Huh? You know you can't have Matt Damon unless you take Ben too. I think they're a two-fer.

Shop Girl* said...

Bahaha Muppet, I love your list!! And I know who Steve is... I heart him also!

But Chandler? REALLY? I had never looked at him that way before... haha

Anonymous said...

oh muppet. you never cease to amaze me with your funniness. and most of that list... i was thinking, oh yeah. definitely.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!