Friday, December 18, 2009

Dear Grumbly Letters...

Dear Malls Across America,

You know those kiosks that sit in the centers of aisles that you must walk past to get to other stores? The ones that have extremely pushy salespeople that jump in your space to rub lotion on your arm, or flatten your hair or tie a skirt into a dress into a who the eff knows what else? Those people!

Really?

The anxiety level that rose in my BFF as we tried to strategically dodge one today by both sipping our Starbucks quickly...and MOCK talking into our cell phones. (I'm not sure, but I think mine was upside down...we were rushing.) weaving left

Crap, weave right when we saw him zone in on us.

Lordie, left again. Dear Hell, he's coming right at us.

Yes. This is what you have led us to.

Signed,

For Petes Sakes...REALLY!

******

Dear Stale Coffee,

You effing SUCK.

Signed,

Pissed off and tired.

******

Dear Celebrity that has a dark secret not known to the world,

Please come out of hiding so I can STOP listening/reading/watching about Tiger Woods. PUH-LEASE!

Signed,

A tired Tiger non follower.

P.S. Remember the stale coffee.

******

Dear Neighbor,

Can you kindly talk INSIDE your house to whomever you call on your cell phone,late at night? I really don't want to hear you speak of your rash, or your 'conquest', or you fat boss, or your...you get it?

Right?

Signed,

Rather listen to Sex in the City talk about their rash, conquest, fat boss, etc...

******

Dear Christmas Tree Seekers,

I got the last one at Target....SUCKA'S

Signed,

I know, not nice.

******

Dear Post Office at Christmas time,

Sigh.

My tired best,

*Sigh again*

******

Dear Douchebag driving like it's a Nascar Race Track at the Mall,

Slow.the.eff.down.

Signed,

Former Hall Monitor

******

39 ramblings of your own:

Mass Hole Mommy said...

OMG, this is hilarious! And you sooo called it! The terrible drivers at the mall is sooo true!!

Yankee Girl said...

I hate parking lots in December. People are dangerous.

MammaDucky said...

I went to the Post Office yesterday, needed a shot of whiskey and two Red Bulls afterwards.

Nancy Campbell said...

I'm crying because I've done the faux-cell-phone convo too to keep away from the kiosk attackers. So funny.

Shorty said...

Oh Girl! You've got the holiday spirit for sure! You sound just like me! I keep telling myself to stop frowning since I can't run out and get any Botox to smooth the frown line between my brows... eck. Here's wishing you some holiday happiness. I hope you can get out of the madness very soon! : )

sammy said...

i absolutely cannot stand the mall vendor people.

oh...and offense.

but sheesh almighty! how annoying they can be!


come to think of it, the only thing worse than a mall vendor is...(shudder shudder vomit)...mall walkers!!

Miss Dot said...

HA HA HA!!! I totally do the "fake call on my cell phone" bit to get away from those pesky kiosk people. Seriously, I do NOT want to put a thing in my hair that bends it and folds it into a pretzel, I do NOT need a smelly lavender beanbag thing, and I do NOT need your silly hair straightener/curler/anything. Geez. THEY'RE SO PUSHY!!

Shawn said...

Oh dear---someone had their cheerios pee'd in this morning! heh, heh....

WhisperingWriter said...

Those kiosk people bug me. I usually say, "I'm busy, sorry!" But sometimes they're all, "This will just take a minute!" Ugh.

I am so sick of hearing about Tiger Woods. I don't care who he slept with.

Martha said...

Dear Rambler,
Sending you some fresh coffee, polite drivers, and some cutie pie making you feel all warm and mushy inside.
Xoxo M

Yaya said...

Lol! Yeah, the last time I did the fake-cellphone-to-avoid-kiosk-man thing the guy yelled 'You're just pretending to me on your phone so you don't have to talk to me!' Lol!

Unknown Mami said...

I get so unbelievably stressed out by those people at the mall.

Kristin said...

Dear stale coffee. You are my nemesis...but I will continue to drink you. Sigh.

OliveStreetStudio said...

ooooo stale coffee...that is SO SAD. It definitely makes me short on patience. Very funny post!! Merry Merry!

BLOGitse said...

oh, boy!
Lucky me...peacefully sitting at home, no panic or 'must that'...
Thanks for your WO*IMA (SITS) visit! Join the gang next year - 2.1.2010! :)

Happy Holidays!

mo.stoneskin said...

I reckon you need to go out for a beer or two...

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

You are RIGHT ON about the overly-pushy-kiosk-salespeople at the mall. They are a big reason why I did most of my shopping online this year!

~Elizabeth
http://confessionsfromaworkingmom.blogspot.com

Stephanie Stearns Dulli said...

AMEN to all of these!!! I hate those salespeople...and feel bad for them at the same time. But mostly I hate them.
Coffee? WORD. And celebrity? Yes please!!!! Poor Brittany Murphy passes away (RIP) and yet...we still talk about stupid Tiger.

Mary K Brennan said...

Here's hoping your stress level returns to normal before Christmas Morning. Happy Holidays.

marfmom said...

lol i feel you on most of those! the kiosk people can be soooo intense!

Kisha said...

Hilarious! I have a few letters I want to add on!

And I think we are sisters, because I too pride myself on being rambling and wordy. I believe a great run-on sentence is not an error, but rather a work of art.

Thanks for stopping by, I'm sure glad I did over here!!!

Kisha

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I HATE those freaky kiosk people! They scare me.

hiphophippie.com said...

Oh good god I love you!!! Those kiosk people!!! I was thinking about writing a post about them cuz they're soooo fecking aggressive! I pretend I'm handicap when I walk by so they leave me alone, it's awful. Adore you Rambler!!! xoxoxo

Saskia said...

"signed,

I know, not nice"

Had me dying of laughter!!! You're brilliant!!! What would I do without your posts to cheer up my day? And those sales people grabbing your hand and rubbing lotion on your arm are.the.devil. full.stop. And I'm usually too shocked to even tell them off or run away!!

xx

sanjeet said...

i feel you on most of those! the kiosk people can be soooo intense!
Work from home India

hotpants™ said...

The hubby and I had a kiosk lady try to attack us with face cream a few days ago. Hate it!

Working Mommy said...

Love your letters :) Just stopping by to say hi - from your newest follower!

~WM

Toni said...

A great letter!!!

Merry SITSmas Eve!

Also, thanks for stopping by and the compliment on the weight loss. :)

http://carrigansjoy.blogspot.com/

Ron said...

Have I told you that I love you lately!?!?! LOL, I love reading this stuff! Its totally opposite from what I expereince at my end--and I love it!

Hope you have a Merry Christmas! All the best to you and yours!!!

Ron

Mox said...

Dude, I think....yeah. I love you. And maybe? You are my long lost twin.
Hope you had a Merry One. And I love that you are also scared to put up kiddie pics. It makes me feel like less of a wanker. Do I want to put up kiddie pics? Hells to the yes, but GAH! paranoia. Not worth it.

Anonymous said...

Very remarkable topic

April said...

Oh.Em.Gee. Those crazy kiosk people drive me crazy!! Do they really think me and my bff (who have 4 kiddos between us) really wanna stop and watch our kids run about the mall while we get our hair straightened? Or those stinkin' cell phone salesmen who wanna know what carrier you have and if you wanna switch plans? UGH!!
I hear ya girl ... new fan of your bloggity blog!! :o)

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Brittany said...

Goodness gracious!
I almost shot diet coke out of my nose while reading that! It is huh-larious because it is all so true!

I hate those kiosk people, too. Do you think they go to some sort of attack school to get trained for that kind of "shopper stakling?"

I'm glad I could help you waste a bit of your time at DaFont! Love that site! :)

I hope you had a fabulous Christmas!
Happy New Year!

Fiauna said...

The word 'douchebag' makes be laugh. teehee.

Charlene said...

Oh my gosh - you totally have me laughing here (at 5am no less). Love it. Happy SITS Year!

Tooj said...

Dear Husband,

I have successfully avoided all media whooshing that IS/WAS the Tiger Woods drama, but you...my sweet dear. You keep popping it into my face everyday, discussing how you can't believe...and did he really...and WOW! How many white women was he hiding??? I get it that you are excited by media crazes such as this, I get it that you can't understand that men should know how to cheat better, but I.DON'T.CARE. You know I don't care. Please call your friend in Cali who will listen to you ramble for hours on end.

Signed,

One white woman Tiger did NOT boink

Megan said...

hahahaha!!! hilarious!! I totally do the dodge and run from the stupid kiosk guys too!! LOL

Housewife Savant said...

How I've missed you.
I read and read.
I had stale coffee.
[cue single teardrop]

It's one of those days, but your posts are always good.

I laughed. I cried. You MOVED me Rambler.