Monday, January 11, 2010

Not my usual post...but a really honest one.

Found this beautiful picture on the internet a LONG LONG time ago. I wish I could remember so I could give due credit. But it best exemplifies my post. Her nakedness translates to me that there is nothing to hide. This is her. Take it or leave it. She is a peace with herself.

I'm not sure how this post will go, but I've had an enlightenment in my life that I feel I really need to spill on the pages of my blog.

For me to come back to and remember this feeling and this moment in my life.

This won't be my usual funny haha type of post. It is a heavy post. Maybe it might include humor. Because humor is what helps me defeat the depression that I feel I have lived and buried myself in for quite a while.

I'll start quickly with that it probably started the day my parents divorced. I was 11, maybe 10. And my kid brain tried hard to process that a big change was going to take place. And the life that I lived so care-free of hurt and disappointment (other than NOT getting ice cream for dinner...insert humor to break tension here), wasn't going to be my norm.

My mother took my baby sister with her to California to heal from my father leaving her for another woman. A woman that my middle sister, Antibloggedy, and I had to live with for some years. A woman that hadn't expected to be living with 2 children.

It wasn't so bad for my sister, but I think now, I know, I was always my mothers daughter. I would fight little battles that children fight to honor their fallen mother's name. To remind my father and his new girlfriend that I was once a part of a family unit that I thought was strong and could withstand anything.

Longer story made less longer is that my father's girlfriend and I did NOT like each other. Like Chocolate & Sardines. We did not belong together. (But hey, if some of you like that combo...who am I to judge?...more witty repertoire for you). I was generally a very happy go lucky type of girl. Found the silver in EVERY lining.

For whatever reason, she chiseled parts of my confidence and belief in life that I am worth something. When my father said my sister and I were going to move back to be with my mother....I packed fast and ran hard. And glimpsing, surprisingly, tears from a father that his girls were leaving him.

What? You WANT us to stay?'ve always picked HER. The one that hisses at my very presence. The one....that at 13 years old pulled me into the living room while you were at work and told me I was spoiled and couldn't believe my father threw me a birthday party. How I wasn't deserving of one, how ungrateful I was, and other insignificant words she continued to make me listen to.

That moment...I did feel like I didn't deserve...anything. I was a child, she was the adult. She was right. Right? I believe I cried the hardest I had ever cried as a child. Alone in my room. That moment defined me. It created who I was to become. I smiled less, and walked in every one's shadow.

Because it was safer.

I've felt 'unworthy' from that moment. I've pretended through life how wonderful things are when people make fusses over me. Because I'm waiting for them to roll their eyes and tell me how inconvenient it is for them. Parts of me really don't like parties thrown for me. Not because I don't love a party. But for me? Why?

They say the funny ones always have some sadness in them. For their comedy is their shield. Their comedy is for so no one else hurts. For me, I've had to find the funny in my life. The funny allowed me to surface for air.

Constantly as an adult and more so as a parent, I often wonder how can someone hurt a child emotionally? What purpose does it really serve? Can it really make them feel better?

My enlightenment came from my mother. She probably won't realize what that information was but a small tidbit of something she said released me of the chains I allowed my fathers girlfriend to bind to my spirit.

I have always been a person who will take the ugliest and last piece of bread so others can enjoy it. I never felt worthy enough to grab the first piece. The best piece. The piece I really want.

But I will now. Because I DO deserve it. I AM deserving of it.

The old me would never have written this for others to read. But she can rest now. She's fought hard to keep me afloat and now this new me wants to take the reins and let her breathe. Because this new me is worth it.

For those of you who made it through this post. Thank you!

Now excuse me while I inhale my Kleenex box. (ahem, more lighten the mood.)

51 ramblings of your own:

Life, Love And Lola said...

I admire your strength!!!!

RT said...

You are an amazing person. I'm glad you have come to this point!!!! Dancing hugs with ballet outfits and devil ears to you!!!

The frazzled mom said...

Wow! As a Bonus (step mom) that is all I can say. I tread carefully around my bonus children for this exact reason. There is no sense in anyone ever feeling as if they don't deserve something. It's wonderful that you can put this out there, I can only hope one day I will be brave enough to blog such blogs. Kudos to you!

Mighty M said...

Whoa, I am loving your bare-all spirit here. I have had a lot of the same feelings. My parents split about the same time. They never really communicated with us about it, especially when they officially divorced. I suffered from depression for years. Going to therapy in my late twenties (and getting on medication) helped me soooo much. Thank you so much for sharing this!

mo.stoneskin said...

Yep, comedy is often a shield. Story of my life.

Well done hon. said...

AWESOME. This is beautiful and I feel honored to read it.

Thank god you came out the other side of that abuse because you're such a beautiful person and the world needs your light.


Shan said...

I just wanted to let you know as best I can how much you've written a story so close to my own. The stepparenting I witnessed made me vow to never become one. I just couldn't risk that I'd do that to someone else's kid.

I wish you didn't have to go through that.

On the other hand, you are an amazing, talented woman. You never walk in our shadows. Nope, instead, we bask in your glow... you be shiny, girl!

Here's hoping your tissue is really Puffs with Vick's. Those are the best to inhale.


Amy said...

good for you!
and if you don't mind me saying it, your dads gf is a skank for treating you that way!
new year, new you!! love it!

Nancy C said...

I bet it felt good to get that out there. I'm glad you're letting go of that negative don't need it anymore.

Now enjoy that best piece of whatever, and kiss that little girl.


This was awesome.

Twincerely,Olga said...

what a great post!! some adults are so cruel.I suffered alot the same but it was by my own Mother! stop by anytime!I now follow you!You Rock!

Shawn said...

Great post! I bet this helped you feel a bit more light with this off your proverbial chest----its good to write about these things...its healing.

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

wow! what a mysterious universe we live in. it's almost 4:30am here and i am still up from the latest (but i'm trying to make it the last) upheaval with my mother. i took a break from staring at a blank page for hours, searching for the right words to write to her from a place of honesty . . . i came to my office and opened my reader. there was your blog. there was my answer. thank you!

Anonymous said...

I admire you sharing your troubles. I'm so sorry for what you had to endure at what was already a very hard age to live through.

Anonymous said...

My parents divorced when I was about 10. It really is a hard thing to struggle through.

I am still struggling to make sense of it all, even today.

You are definitely worthy of praise and a party. We all are right?

Anonymous said...

My parents divorced when I was about 10. It really is a hard thing to struggle through.

I am still struggling to make sense of it all, even today.

You are definitely worthy of praise and a party. We all are right?

Shorty said...

I'm so glad to read that you 'deserve' great things! So many women never get to that point. I hope you can bury the pain that was dealt to you and move forward with confidence and continued courage. I have also battled for years with pain caused by rejection from adults in my youth, including from more than one father figure. I like to think that I've buried all the bad, but sometimes it surfaces. May we always find the strength to persevere and not let the weight of other people's misery bring us down!

Wendy said...

It took me being left by my first husband to realize what you've posted. We deserve better. Blessings.

shortmama said...

This is so beautiful. Im so sorry for what you had to listen to from that woman...but Im glad you are feeling strong enough now to take a stand!

Mox said...

We're all right here with ya, Mama! The old you, the new you, what have you! And good for you. You take that pretty piece of bread and nosh it. You do deserve it.

Karen said...

Sometimes I am surprised when I find I have so much in common with someone.

I'm glad you came to your realization and that your mother helped. Because you ARE worth it!

Martha said...

Big ((HUGS)), you are so worthy of being loved and cherished.
I am glad you are honoring the child within you and her hurt.
Blessings, Rambler.

MONICA-LnP said...

No,THANK YOU! this is a great touching post and yes you are deserving of everything and anything!
stopping by from SITS

MONICA-LnP said...

and I love the pic!

Kisha said...

Wow, we are sisters. I felt like I could have written this post.

I purged last week...the first time I had ever been, really, truly, bare my soul honest on my blog and it felt so therapy. Hope it helped you too.

Thank you for sharing.


Anonymous said...

THIS post right here is why I love blogging. Why I blog, why I read blogs, why I think blogs can change the world. Good for you!

Mesina said...

To share your thoughts and feelings so openly takes a lot of courage. I admire that so much. You know, it's fantastic that you've decided to let go of the little girl that sat having to hear the crap that some new woman in your life was dishing out. Sounds to me like she had her own issues - not fair to be passing that onto a child. Did she not recognise how hard this was for you? We all deserve a party and the first pick of the bread. Take it, because you ARE worth it. x

Wifey said...

What a great post ... and such a terrible thing to break a child's spirit. Kudos to you for overcoming it and for sharing it with all of us.

Winks & Smiles,

Saskia said...

Firstly darling, THANK YOU for sharing this with all of us.

Secondly, I'm so sorry you were treated in this way by a woman who just from being the adult should have known much, much better. What a horrid situation she created. She must have had some major insecurities / issues to have treated you in that way...

But you've come out stronger. And by sharing this with us you've reminded me just how lucky I am to have my parents together after 31 years.

You're amazing. Treat yourself. Love yourself.


Anonymous said...

You go girl! This is why, even though I take random blogging breaks for insignificant amounts of time, everytime I come back to you I sit and shake my head"yes yes yes!" I feel you and can empathize with all you said.
Although, now I feel like maybe I should start doing some self-analyizing. But the humor can hide a lot.
Not all the time though...sometimes we really are THAT funny! ((hugs))

Grand Pooba said...

Wow, you are amazing! I love honest posts like this, it's lets us readers get to know you.

You DO deserve it!

Stesha said...

You were so courageous to tell your story!

Hugs and Mocha,

blueviolet said...

This is HUGE!!!! You've broken free and I couldn't be happier for you! xoxoxo

Marilyn (A Lot of Loves) said...

I love that picture too. I don't understand adults who take out their frustrations on children either. I'm so glad to hear that you've moved on from your chains.

ELAY said...

usually when I see posts like this (real long and stuff) I just scan it but this time I actually read it. A part from the lead got my undivided attention..

"Her nakedness translates to me that there is nothing to hide. This is her. Take it or leave it. She is a peace with herself."

I love it.. soo true

Kalei said...

wow. Congratulations on finally releasing all that stuff. Can I tell you that I too had a break through when I left my job. I went to that therapist and.....well, I won't put it here. I will write it in an email.

This is a pinnacle in your life, you probably were finally ready because of how you have grown and matured as a mother. You finally are seeing through the eyes of a parent that the experiences you had were not acceptable.


MammaDucky said...

Wow hun. Sorry this took my so long to read, but I am so glad that I did. It confounds me that an adult would say such a thing to someone else's child. Of course, it stung even when I was an adult being talked down to/about by my father's girlfriend. No one emerges from a divorce unscathed, and unfortunately it's the children who suffer the most. Hugs, my lady. Take that deep breath of release and eat the good slice of bread (cuz I'll take the ugly one, always have, always will).

Anonymous said...

sigh... good thing i was at work when i read this-so i to be tough. i think we are bff b/c of the life experiences we share, instead of hiding them- thank you for sharing yours and explaining OUR comic releif.

The Blonde Duck said...

Good for you. Good for you.

WhisperingWriter said...

Beautiful post.

Ron said...

I truly admire you for sharing with us this story. My throat was caught in rapture while reading this. And much like you--I too use humor and comedy to hide my sadness. I never realized that--but I do.

Blessings to you, my friend. You're a wonderful person and you deserve all the best in life--for you and your loved ones.


Kimberly said...

Comedy has been my wall for years. I was not as young as you were when my parents got divorced, but we all knew they needed a divorce. It was hard on all of us.

I have healed, but my sister still carries the baggage like an old friend.

It is good to talk (blog) about life encounters.

Unknown Mami said...

I am very proud of you for writing this. It's very easy to assume that people like you more for your sense of humor, but your humor comes from the totality of your experience. You can be funny because you've learned to use humor as a survival mechanism. I don't think a truly funny person is ever shallow; they laugh because if they didn't they'd cry.

You are worth it, you always have. I have never understood why anyone would want to undermine a child's confidence. Now that I am a parent it makes even less sense why you would want to damage a beautiful little person.

Brittany said...

Your dad's girlfriend's name was not Sherryl, was it?
If so, I know where she went... she married my father. Boo.

My point, I am sitting here crying, and totally relating to this post.

I'm proud of you for being vulnerable and transparent in this post. I know I got a lot out of it. Thank you.


Mammatalk said...

They say it's never too late to start your childhood. Mother yourself...and it sounds like you have! Good for you.

Interesting post to read with The Jets in the background....:+)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

This is such a brave and honest post. Bravo.

Janna Bee said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. I think sometimes people don't realize how vulnerable 10 year olds are to those things said to them... it's a very tough time in life to go through such a transition, and to be stuck with that horrible woman to boot!

I'm glad(hope) you are realizing how awesome you are.... because I know you are! {{Hugs}}

Erin said...

Isn't it great to have breakthroughs like these? I'm so glad you are going to take care of yourself now!

Tooj said...

If there is one thing I've learned this's that divorce is something handled very, very differently in everyone's life. Each parent handles it differently, each child reacts differently....and in my opinion, no one can impress their own "this is what happens" on anyone else.

Reading this, I have gained yet another perspective on it. Thank you for sharing something so personal. This is actually a topic I've been considering for awhile now after conversations I've had with a friend of mine.

Why a grown person says mean or hurtful things to a child is difficult to understand, certainly. I think part of it comes from the idea that the child actually understands THEIR influence in the adult's life. That the child understands how their behavior is affecting the lives of those around them. What's hardest for the adult to understand is that the child doesn't actually comprehend the full impact, even when it appears they do. That might sound really confusing...but it's something that I've come to realize as both the child AND the adult in this scenario.

Megan said...

(((HUGE HUGS))) I'm sorry that your father's girlfriend traumatized you so deeply as a child but I'm really happy for you that you've now been released of those chains that have held you back for so many years. You definitely deserve to be happy and have things done for you!!! You're amazing! Thanks for sharing your soul with us.

kanishk said...

You are an amazing person. I'm glad you have come to this point!!!! Dancing hugs with ballet outfits and devil ears to you!!!

Work from home India

Muppet Soul said...

My husband has a very similar story to that....

I don't get that behavior. Move in with a person you're allegedly in love with, and then as a way to eliminate the attention-competition, put down THE CHILD in the house to assert your dominance.

Is she still in the picture, out of curiousity?

I have the same issue with being serious ( no... who... me?) Let your balls fly, my love.