Monday, July 04, 2005

Little Reminders

Okay, first of all this is not my normal haha, funny, sarcastic PMS kind of post. It's a little sentimental and about my dad.

My dad passed away over 12 years ago from lung cancer and I struggle with the fact that he is not in my life anymore. Somedays, I "forget" he's not here and other days, it's extremely difficult. I don't talk much about the pain of his absence just because I absolutely hate crying in front of anyone except significant other (and even that is tough). Funny, me coming from a mother who's super sensitive characteristics was passed on to her three daughters.

Anyway, in these 12 years since his death, certain things will pop up to remind me of a time with him, or just about him. Sometimes I like to think it's his sutle way of letting me know he's still with me and keeping an eye on things from above. When I'm driving to work, dreading it, I always see this company truck that has his name in their logo. It always puts a smile on my face. He smoked a lot and I always had that smell of his cigarettes in my throat, and every once in a while at home by myself, I get that smell. Little things like that.

A couple of days ago at the movies, I was behind a family with three daughters. The mother and two youngest went to get seats while the oldest stayed with her dad to help with snacks. I watched them and tears started to form as the father put his arm around her and kissed her and laughed about whatever they were talking about. And I realized I really missed those kinds of moments with him. I put the sunglasses on and thankfully for my lack of holding it in, they moved to a new line that opened up. The tears and sadness lasted for but a moment, when I thought hey, I wasn't even thinking of him, and I'm having a really rough week at work, and here is a reminder of my dad letting me everything is going to be OK. I smiled and thanked him silently and ordered my popcorn and soda and went on with the rest of my day.

Thanks for reading today's' blog if you made it this far.

By the way, my mom had done a kick ass job being two parents for me and the sisters for longer than 12 years! Nobody better could have done a better job!

4 ramblings of your own:

old person said...

You're Dad possessed a spirit that really fit his name "Hauoli". While you and your sisters definitely have your mom's sweet nature. You and your sisters are all happy, secure adults like your dad was.

leigh said...

I really do believe that your dad put those situations in your life because he really is here with you Nohea. Don't ever believe that he is not. Later I will tell you so more of that Hawaiian religion stuff, but we really believe that they don't go to a different place, they are always here, watching and guarding you, always. Why do you think signs are so important to Hawaiians, there are so many out there, you just have to look for them and believe in them. When you see them and acknowledge them, you are honoring your dad and showing him that he is still with you and your whole family. But if you don't see them, you aren't listening and looking hard enough. He is here with you and all of us, always and always. Look for him.

Anonymous said...

Your words are very thought (and tear) provoking. Your parents have done an outstanding job of making you a wonderful person. Your insight, strength and wisdom always amaze me. I am eternally thankful that you have been such a instrumental part of my life; your past, present and future memories will help to guide you, which in turn, help to guide those that you continue to touch - even when you don't know you are touching them. ('cuz when I think about you... a little inside joke from the old days!) Ana

older sister said...

He is with you all the time. I see it in the things you do & the way you do things. So much like your Dad so I think he is guiding you.
Even the dark circles under your eyes are the same. (Take care of yourself).
You have the joy of life, tempered with the serious down to business side.
These are good things..........(not the dark circles)
As always we are really really proud of you.