Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Knock Knock...Paranoia here...(again)

Okay...so for some reason I posted this Monday but it didn't 'show' up in anyone's reader and as I need gratification from you all I 'reposted' a repost...I'm pathetic...I know.

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I originally posted this a year ago....when only family members read this blog. (tear, now I can barely get them to remember my blog title....oh, the horror)

And as I don't have any creativity to breathe new life into a post...I thought I'd pull one from the back of the blog bookcase.

Bloggy people...Meet Me, Me meet bloggy people.

Enjoy.
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One of my most UN-favorite character flaws is that I am secretly (I guess not so secret now) paranoid of everything.

Some see it as being over protective.

Some say it's not being educated properly about the subject.

Others tell me I'm an OVER worrier.

And some tell me to pull my big girl panties on and snap out of it.

No, I'm serious. I'm a closet Paranoidee...is that a word?

I think since I've become a mother, my Paranoid spidey senses have picked it up a notch to a higher level of insaneness.

I can't stand it sometimes but the feeling sneaks up and I can't shake it until I get to my final destination/or completion of what I'm doing.

My kid was born and I realized for the first time in my life it's not just about me. In fact, it's mostly all about her. And it freaked me out.

My greatest fear is not being around for her because of a mistake of either my doing or someone moron who's being ridiculously reckless. Not the dying part, the part of her not having a mother does a number on my insides. (OK, well a little about the dying part).

I dive into that fear pretty deep and it's hard to swim out sometimes.

When we left the hospital with her, I remember annoying the bee-jeezus out of my husband. First her car seat straps were on too tight, than too loose, I don't think the seat is secure enough, than the car that was on the level below us was coming too fast (like, faster than the snail too fast!), than why don't we just take the long, NON highway home route?, OK OK, I'll shut up. Or more like we both just stopped answering each other.

That's when it began. I was a little too literal when my pediatrician told me to be careful the first month in taking baby out. I mean I walked with her and the dog around our townhouse complex.......until I slipped one day and convinced myself I made her lose some brain cells, despite the doctors stamp of approval (???) that she was fine along with the nurse and the other nurse and the other doctors partner.

I'm a very slow driver.

I think cars drive to fast, I think my husband drives too fast, everyone on the freeway feels like they are first time drivers that just got out of NASCAR. Don't they all realize I carry precious cargo? Does it not phase them?

I'm the paranoid delusional that thinks the red car in the far left lane 10 cars behind is driving 4 miles OVER the speed limit and will cause a 15 car pile up involving myself.

IT NEVER STOPS!!!

This is my life inside. I don't share it with others because they'll think I need to put on a jacket or something with mental restraints. I constantly have arguments with myself. There's the laid back me and the freaked out version of me trying to rationalize why each other is right.

Like the time I told myself I could do the ocean.

I can't, maybe my toes are okay, maybe if it's a good day I'll go to my waist, wait...was that a shadow in the water...do sharks come this close to shore? I start to go through the Rolodex of clippings in my memory newspaper and pull out random shark sightings and convince myself it's from that morning I'm suuuurrreee they are still here. I will be that stupid lady swimming alone in the water not hearing the lifeguard scream to get out.

I mean, did you watch Shark Week on Discovery Channel??? Duh!

Whew, this has been somewhat therapeutic for me....a little flake has been chipped off this statue of fear. Maybe I'll stop now before some that know me start dialing the 1-800-Help-my-friend line.

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Sigh...it's rough being a paranoid me.

***I ran across this mans blog with his artwork and really enjoyed it. I liked that he said he was cool with allowing others to download his work as it was a great way for others to see what he does. Some will like it, some will say WHAT?, but if you do, hope you check out his site. www.gapingvoid.com.***

17 ramblings of your own:

mo.stoneskin said...

I'm naturally paranoid too. When driving I see every other driver as a lunatic racer from hell. That way I'm always prepared.

Shorty said...

Paranoid thoughts run rampant in my brain pretty regularly. I'm sure a doctor would prescribe me some anti-anxiety meds if I asked for some. But I guess I like to torture myself. Maybe one of these days I'll take up meditation and adopt a new mentality. Until then...

You're a slow driver???? I'm a speed demon! I guess I would be the girl riding your *ss causing you to wave your middle finger. Let me apologize now in case I ever decide to drive in Hawaii! I certainly don't want to lose your friendship! : )

Happy Thanksgiving, my dear!

OliveStreetStudio said...

HA. I have the same, but only when it comes to my daughter. I'm constantly thinking of what can go wrong, how only I should drive her places, if she sleeps past 9 if she is still breathing....it is crazy. I dread her teenage years - I won't have any hair left!!

Happy Thanksgiving too!!!

Janna Bee said...

I think this is pretty normal. I'm wayyyy more paranoid now that I have my kids. I worry so much. One main reason I don't want another kid is I don't want to have another being to worry about, it's so exhausting!

Alas, I am NOT a slow driver. Just this morning I had to stop myself from road raging!

MammaDucky said...

The ocean scares the crap out of me as well. Only this past summer, a school of jellyfish(the non stinging kind, but STILL) swam up to us and I was certain we would all die. Porpoises surface and I scream like a banshee, certain they're REALLY sharks and they're just trying to trick us. It's ridiculous.

Tooj said...

I don't know if I'm more paranoid....just more vocal when things get under my skin. My tongue lashing might come from a paranoid feeling, though. :)

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Noelle said...

i worry, therefore, i am.

happy thanksgiving!

The Blonde Duck said...

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

K said...

I think whatever crazy you have in you gets magnified when you reproduce.

I am also a grandma of a driver. I totally understand.

Mighty M said...

Whenever I hear an airplane fly over our house I internally panic and think it's going to crash into us. Is that paranoid?? :)

Shan said...

I am like this, to a T. The thing is, I recall being like this with Corey and then going all, WTF? I can either enjoy him and something bad will or will not happen, or I can freak out all the time and something bad will or will not happen. I'm still waiting to get to that point with Mad.

Nancy Campbell said...

I can no longer watch the news or many films due to rampant momma-fear.

Also, I bathe in hand sanitizer. TMI?

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

you just gave me a panic attack. i worry. i fret. i'm paranoid. it's always good to know we're not alone. unless you're crazy paranoid. and then i guess that's not good. well, you know what i mean.

Melissa B. said...

Never fear...paranoia is a natural response to what ails ya! SITS sent me by, and I'm glad they did...

Beyond Thanksgiving: Butt I'm Thankful for So Much!

prashant said...

I don't want to have another being to worry about, it's so exhausting!

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kanishk said...

many films due to rampant momma-fear.

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