Knock Knock...Paranoia here...(again)

Okay...so for some reason I posted this Monday but it didn't 'show' up in anyone's reader and as I need gratification from you all I 'reposted' a repost...I'm pathetic...I know.

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I originally posted this a year ago....when only family members read this blog. (tear, now I can barely get them to remember my blog title....oh, the horror)

And as I don't have any creativity to breathe new life into a post...I thought I'd pull one from the back of the blog bookcase.

Bloggy people...Meet Me, Me meet bloggy people.

Enjoy.
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"The Scream" artwork by Hugh MacLeod

One of my most UN-favorite character flaws is that I am secretly (I guess not so secret now) paranoid of everything.

Some see it as being over protective.

Some say it's not being educated properly about the subject.

Others tell me I'm an OVER worrier.

And some tell me to pull my big girl panties on and snap out of it.

No, I'm serious. I'm a closet Paranoidee...is that a word?

I think since I've become a mother, my Paranoid spidey senses have picked it up a notch to a higher level of insaneness.

I can't stand it sometimes but the feeling sneaks up and I can't shake it until I get to my final destination/or completion of what I'm doing.

My kid was born and I realized for the first time in my life it's not just about me. In fact, it's mostly all about her. And it freaked me out.

My greatest fear is not being around for her because of a mistake of either my doing or someone moron who's being ridiculously reckless. Not the dying part, the part of her not having a mother does a number on my insides. (OK, well a little about the dying part).

I dive into that fear pretty deep and it's hard to swim out sometimes.

When we left the hospital with her, I remember annoying the bee-jeezus out of my husband. First her car seat straps were on too tight, than too loose, I don't think the seat is secure enough, than the car that was on the level below us was coming too fast (like, faster than the snail too fast!), than why don't we just take the long, NON highway home route?, OK OK, I'll shut up. Or more like we both just stopped answering each other.

That's when it began. I was a little too literal when my pediatrician told me to be careful the first month in taking baby out. I mean I walked with her and the dog around our townhouse complex.......until I slipped one day and convinced myself I made her lose some brain cells, despite the doctors stamp of approval (???) that she was fine along with the nurse and the other nurse and the other doctors partner.

I'm a very slow driver.

I think cars drive to fast, I think my husband drives too fast, everyone on the freeway feels like they are first time drivers that just got out of NASCAR. Don't they all realize I carry precious cargo? Does it not phase them?

I'm the paranoid delusional that thinks the red car in the far left lane 10 cars behind is driving 4 miles OVER the speed limit and will cause a 15 car pile up involving myself.

IT NEVER STOPS!!!

This is my life inside. I don't share it with others because they'll think I need to put on a jacket or something with mental restraints. I constantly have arguments with myself. There's the laid back me and the freaked out version of me trying to rationalize why each other is right.

Like the time I told myself I could do the ocean.

I can't, maybe my toes are okay, maybe if it's a good day I'll go to my waist, wait...was that a shadow in the water...do sharks come this close to shore? I start to go through the Rolodex of clippings in my memory newspaper and pull out random shark sightings and convince myself it's from that morning I'm suuuurrreee they are still here. I will be that stupid lady swimming alone in the water not hearing the lifeguard scream to get out.

I mean, did you watch Shark Week on Discovery Channel??? Duh!

Whew, this has been somewhat therapeutic for me....a little flake has been chipped off this statue of fear. Maybe I'll stop now before some that know me start dialing the 1-800-Help-my-friend line.

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Sigh...it's rough being a paranoid me.

***I ran across this mans blog with his artwork and really enjoyed it. I liked that he said he was cool with allowing others to download his work as it was a great way for others to see what he does. Some will like it, some will say WHAT?, but if you do, hope you check out his site. www.gapingvoid.com.***