Friday, November 14, 2008

When it snows in hell...


Destination: Northstar, Lake Tahoe
Objective: To break every bone of spirit and humility in Ramblers body
Age: 28

I was inspired by Ben at No Ordinary Rollercoaster to write about MY experience on the slopes. (thanks buddy, for the regurgitation!)

About 17-20 of us congregated in the Tahoe area to do the "family" thing. Of that bunch, it would be my FIRST time in snow. I'm not gonna lie. I was excited.

We arrive at Reno airport and our small caravan of cars drive the hour to our temporary home for the week. I stared out the window on our drive like a kid waiting for Disneyland to appear.

There it is....OMG...there it is...SNOW!!!!!!

My husband asks me to peel my face off the glass.

Flash forward to our first day on the mountain.

It's "recommended" for the first timers to take a series of classes through the day for us newbies. So what if my class included a bunch of 10-12 year olds.

The first class was something like...

"Learn-to-put-your-snowboard-on-the-right-way" class.

No problem. I aced it. I got my good-to-go high five from my 16 year old instructor. Come back in an hour and you'll move on to the "learn-how-to-NOT-slide-down-the-hill-on-your-ass" session.

While I was waiting around (by myself cause remember it's my first time in snow, so the other people with me were skiing/snowboarding like olympic medalists), while one of my boy/man cousins who was on "break" said to come with him. On the "easy" hill.

I stared at it, and the ski lift and felt okay.

I mean, I passed my first class...so what's the big deal?

We stood in line for the lift. I'm not thinking until we get on and I ask him...

ME: "Soo, they turn the lift to super duper slow so you can get off right?"

HIM: "Yeah!." With mock sarcasm.

Panic set in, and in the next 45 seconds he tries to cram the lesson of how to get off the chair when we get to the top. In my frantic state, I recite what he tells me...push your butt toward the edge of the chair, turn in an angle, remember only one foot is in the board, when you get off....wait, what the hell did he say about when I get off...Fricken holy hell, what did he say? Think, think....

Now I want you to imagine this, cause it's exactly how it happened...

I tried to get off the damn chair with panic-ridden determination, I really did. My not strapped in foot didn't know what to do, so I tripped. Yup, tripped. And THEN, I tried to get up and SMACK. Right, the chair behind my chair, right in the head. So, I'm thinking this is what will happen until I clear the whole thing. I start to crawl like an army guy in boot camp doing that crawl in the rain through mud with your guns crawl....(back to me) dragging my foot and snowboard and cursing myself. And then, to add humiliation syrup to my bruised ego pancakes, the ski lift operator (who by the way must have been the twin of my 16 year old instructor), walks over and tells me he has SHUT the lift off until I can get out of the way.

HIM: Do you need help Maam?
ME: O, you shut this monstrosity of metal with seats off?
HIM: Uh, yeah (in that cocky high school tone)
ME: And I'm continuing to crawl like a moron?

Thanks.

Well, after an HOUR of me trying to get DOWN a 2 minute hill, I swear to HOLY God above that I will never go on this again.

Crap, and I've missed my second class.

Third class, and finally an employee of the mountain that is legal to drink is my last instructor for the day. We learn to snowboard down the really really small bump of snow we are learning on called a bunny hill aka the kiddy hill. (That might have helped going down the first time).

Toward the end of the class he tells us we are all going up the Hill of Death.

What girlfriend? (head snap) I don't think so!

After some coaxing and the fact that he was hot and he promised to go on the ski lift with me, I actually convinced myself it would be okay. I don't know what happened but I got on the chair and my foot (damn you, don't you know what to do in the snow?) did something and I was slipping off the chair. The hero hottie that my instructor was tried to save me and we both landed face down in the snow. 5 seconds. That's how long we were on the chair. We barely left the staging area. GEEZUS! And I just know at that moment my hero hottie was questioning his certainty in my ability to be normal.

He said to try again and my slight concussion of a brain said ok...I got on and your not going to believe it but when I got to the top I just threw myself off the chair and did a duck and roll thing. Why fight it? The lift operator wasn't sure to turn off the thing or not.

He did, just because I guess they are taught to recognize crazies on the mountains.

3 times in one day. From one person. Is that a record?

-The Rambler

p.s. Sorry so long (insert guilty cough)

100 ramblings of your own:

Maki said...

OMG, this is hilarious (not in a bad way)!! This is so charming and I can't stop laughing..

Just picturing you threwing yourself off, ducking and crawling. It's priceless..

And yep, that could be a record..

ps: JT used to live in Tahoe before he moved to the island after meeting me.

Kalei said...

You are totally impressing me with your Rambler skills. I found my self "gaffawing" as I read this. Good Job. You should get Adsense or some other ad going on your site and make some marketing $$$.

Sherendipity said...

If anyone ever makes me go skiing (yes, I said "makes" me, because that's the only way I'll get there) I'm bringing you with me.
That was awesome.

The Bush Family said...

OMG! I'm so sorry BUT I am totally laughing at you right now because THAT is me to a T, only in normal everyday life, no snow or snowboard needed..LOL! I tried to go to Tahoe once, but every time I went to the airport my flight was cancelled..LOL..I am not destined to go to Tahoe! Great writing by the way :)

Ben said...

Bahahahaha thank you for making me not feel quite so alone.

Shan said...

Oh that was a good laugh, thank you! I live in California, at the base of some mountains upon which people do ski. I went once, looked up before the car was parked and saw people coming down. I never made it out of the car, so you're well ahead of me.

Shan :+)

Becky said...

I've only been skiing once and I had a pretty difficult time with the lift, too. I took a class and was okay on the bunny slope (with the toddlers) but then I tried the next level up and it was a disaster. Since my knee has gotten worse, I've been pretty hesitant to try it again.

StacieinAtlanta said...

I lived in Hawaii for years and moved to Georgia thinking we would never get snow. Huge blizzard first year. I had no winter coat. Really made me miss Hawaii.

Stacie
The Divine Miss Mommy
http://www.thedivinemissmommy.com
http://www.twitter.com/stacieinatlanta

Tanielle said...

Too funny!(sorry) I know I would have been the same way!

blunt delivery said...

unless i want to enlarge the hole that i've already had punctured in my head, i will avoid any kind of "slope" but i applaud anyone who tries

stopping by from SITS

Jamie said...

Too funny! I WOULD break every bone in my body!

Java Cupcake said...

Your blog layout is SUPER CUTE!!!

Happy SITS day!!!

Heather, aka Jake's Mommy said...

Happy SITS day to you!! I laughed ALLLL the way through this and I so know what you're talking about with the pimple-headed lift operators. They have no heart for the inexperienced among us.

Dan River Mama said...

I've never been skiing. After eading this, I'm pretty sure I will stick with that plan. Great story!

Ali said...

And this is why I don't go skiing!

Cindy said...

This is too funny! It sound very similar to how my one and only time skiing went.
Cindy
Art Spectrum

Geeta said...

I was about to tell you that the people around me probably think I'm a bit crazy as well for laughing out loud at this. But when I looked around I realized everyone was gone. So now I'm really crazy for laughing by myself. Hah! Hilarious. =] Never give up!

Housewife Savant said...

This is hilarity.
Even seasoned ski freaks have stories about the lift.
Their stories are NOWHERE NEAR as delightful as yours!

sandy said...

I have never been snowboarding, but you described it just how I imagine it would be for me. I'm not very graceful;0)

What A Card said...

So funny! That sounds so much like my first time, and last time, skiing. Of course, I have no excuse. I'm from Buffalo, where the city hands out little tiny skis in the nurseries. I must have missed that day.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

THIS IS AWESOME! totally awesome. And I say that because it totally mirrors my very first experience on a board.

But alas, never fear. It gets better. I am now the proud owner of 3 Burton boards and I love it. Of course, I look like an ass, but it's fun! Well, once the bruises...both ego and physical, heal.

April said...

Happy SITS DAY!

OK, now I'm officially a nervous wreck! Guess where we're headed for Sping Break? Colorado to do some skiing...for my very first time! My girls and I have never been, but my husband is a good skier. Oh, this ain't gonna be pretty!

Kimm at Reinvented said...

Oh my, I had a big laugh at your expense, all the while knowing that the SAME thing would happen to me. :)
Happy SITS day, enjoy the spotlight!

countryfriedmama said...

Happy SITS day!

Pam said...

That is hysterical! Love the duck and roll exit of chair lift! Last time I went skiing (and yes, I do know how to ski. Sort of) I fell, right under the chair lift, of course. Then, I could not get up! I was rolling around on my back, like a turtle. All the while being heckled by the teenagers on the chair lift above me. So, I feel your pain SITSta!

Karen Brown Letarte said...

Well, first off, you deserve props for even being willing to TRY snowboarding!! Hurling myself, on purpose, down an icy hill, on some kind of surfboard? I think not. Second, that was hilarious.:D Third, why am I laughing? The same thing would be happening to me, except it would end by security escorting me off the mountain and asking me to sign an affadavit promising never to snowboard again!

Happy, happy SITS day!

carma said...

this is exactly why I stay home in the comfort of my house while the boys go snowboarding!

Natalie said...

Happy SITS day!

Thank you for starting my morning off with a good laugh. You are beyond funny!! Can't wait to read more.

Janna Bee said...

This is why I stay away from snowboard and skis, even cross country ones. Me + winter sports= Oil + water!

Wifey said...

That was just as funny, the second time around.

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

BlogBaby said...

Imagine me pointing at you - "HA HA".

Yup, I'm laughing AT YOU....I'm a mean baby that way...;)

BlogBaby

Connie Weiss said...

I felt like I was on the lift with you! The things that a girl will do for a hottie!

Moi said...

extremely reminiscent of my first time skiing...thanks for the painful flashback (hee hee)

congrats on being SITS featured today!

Stereos and Souffles said...

snowboarding + me = will never happen.

Robin said...

LOL.....Oh my gosh.....
Way too funny....
My first fit of laughter for the day.....Thanks....I needed that.
:-)
Hope your day is beautiful

Joy said...

I have no fancy balancing skills to start with so I applaud your extreme efforts! Brava!

Cammie said...

teehee....the part where the chair hit you in the head made me laugh out loud. and co-workers looked at me funny.

Oz Girl said...

Too hysterical, wonderful story. But EXACTLY why I've never had a desire to learn to ski. Because THAT would be me...

Laura said...

Good job for trying! I won't even go to the ski resort :)

Willo said...

I want to try skiing so bad...but your story makes me rethink it :)

Astrid said...

That's fantastic for a first timer! You should be proud of yourself...:)

Happy SITS day!

Kelly Deneen said...

Okay, the tuck and roll part of your story had my literally LOL at my desk. My my co-workers think I am a bit crazy (not that they didn't before). Your story was fabulous! hehe.

My New 30 said...

I'm a southern gal, and I mean DEEP south so snow and snow skiing is pretty foreign to me. Never been. Never really wanted to. And the whole ski lift thing you just described, well has pretty much convinced me I have no business even thinking about it anyway. Plus after what just happened to Natasha Richardson, who as I recall was taking the same bunny lessons you were, snow skiing has pretty much just fallen off of my bucket list!! Yikes! Glad you survived that experience.

Happy SITS Day!

Mary

MammaDucky said...

Man, glad I peed before reading this! Don't worry, I'm laughing WITH you, not AT you ;) .

Jaden Paige said...

I tried snowboarding.

Once.

I spent the whole day scooting down the hill on my butt and falling off the lift... And I was sore for the next few days.

Suffice it to say... I'm not doing THAT again anytime soon!

Melissa said...

Oh no! I also tried snowboarding once. It didn't go too well so I stuck with skiing! Way to go on not giving up!

Vickie said...

I am sorry, but this was funny:) Thanks for the laugh.

I have never gone skiing or snowboarding. Probably never will. After what happen to Natasha Richardson, neither will my kids.

tammy said...

Is it ok that I am seriously cracking up at your mishaps?! Oh my goodness...I have to check out the rest of your blog. ;)

Brandy said...

I know people say LOL all the time but I am literally laughing out loud. LMAO in fact!

Now I know I will never, ever attempt skiing. And I'm okay with that.

Controlling My Chaos said...

This would totally be me. Great story.

Industrioushead said...

Happy SITS day! My family only went on a skiing trip once. It was such a disaster,we never went again!

Amy said...

I have not wanted to ski. I am afraid I will get stuck in that chair and then never get out.

Mammatalk said...

Love it! How did I miss this post the first time? What an adventure!

Kasey said...

Stopping by from SITS. I'm originally from Calif and when I was in school we'd take ski trips there for the weekend a couple of times in the winter months. I however quickly learned that it was better to sit in the lodge drinking cocoa, looking cute in the outfit rather than attempting to do something I'm not good at.

Marrdy said...

I hate to ski (and I live in Utah) and I too ride the lift much like you. I don't understand throwing yourself down a mountain. Talk about crazy.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Sounds almost as bad as my first and only time I tried to go skiiing.

hellosweetworld said...

I've never been skiing yet. I think i'm scared.....hehe.

blissfullychaotic said...

Being the Texas gal that I am, you will NEVER find me going down a mountain on a board or two sticks (skis):s - but PROPS to you for trying ~ you go SITSta!

Linda Hughes said...

I hope you enjoy your day in the spotlight as much as I enjoyed reading about your snowboarding misadventures! Your story reminded me of my one and only venture on the snow with some silly things on my feet...Yuck! And, BTW, yes you really are funny!

Donnetta said...

The only thing these feet should ever be strapped into are Tevas!!!

Happy SITS day!

Sarah said...

Hilarious! And that's the sort of thing that would totally happen to me. The one and ONLY time I've attempted snow skiing, I couldn't steer (this was ON the bunny slope!), headed straight into that mesh fence thing that keeps you from heading down the side of the mountain. And because my legs crossed (somehow), I couldn't bend and untangle myself.

So I resorted to trying to look like I was just hanging out until my mom came by and rescued me.

Never again!

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Goldibug said...

SO funny! I've never been but I'm sure I would make a complete fool out of myself! At least it's fun to look back on right?

Jacky said...

Haha! I don't like snow much myself...and I've never been skiing/snowboarding. =)

Happy SITS day!

southernrose said...

HI-larious! I remember the first time I went skiing (you are brave to go snowboarding before skiing). I was 17 and went with my family on a trip to the northern US (I grew up in Florida=had never seen snow before). My sisters and I had to have lessons, and all we did was stay on the bunny slopes all day because we could never stay up long enough to get very far. We never laughed so much at ourselves!!

Shell said...

Happy SITS day!

This story is why snow and I don't get along and why I don't want to go skiing, snowboarding or participate in any kind of snow-related activity ever. Ever, ever.

Thanks for sharing!

StampinMom said...

Hahah, sounds like my first skiing experience! Crazies on the mountain..., tee hee...I like that!

Jamie :-)

Ronnica said...

Just when I was starting to think I'd take the chance to learn if I ever had an opportunity again...I'm now thinking, "No thanks!"

Craftymoose Crafts said...

Happy SITS Day! What a funny post! I remember thinking you gotta be crazy to do this as I stood at the top of a hill with skis on.

AP said...

HAPPY SITS day!! this is one activity I may never try

The Mom said...

Happy SITS day to you. I live in Utah - but DO NOT ski or board. And your story is EXACTLY why. That would totally be me & I care to bypass that fun little time in my life!

Mariel said...

My husband would love me if I picked up skiing. I've tried snowboarding several times and just can't get the hang of it. Skiing is my last resort in making my husband think I'm cool. Hopefully, I have some better luck!

www.oneshetwoshe.blogspot.com

cath said...

NICE! you make me want to share my "running into the slow sign at the bottom of the bunny hill while traveling at a speed not often referred to as slow" story ... until then, thanks for the chuckles! i can TOTALLY picture the top of the chair lift situation - been there, done that!

Sarah@VintageChic said...

Oh, my! This is HILARIOUS!!! Congrats on being featured on SITS today!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

This is really funny. I could picture it all.

Anne said...

Hahaha - that is HILARIOUS!!! And I'm afraid that would be me if I ever tried to snowboard!

Lida said...

Oh this is something I do not want to try, I´ll stay inside drinking hot cocoa and looking pretty in snowgear.

jen said...

I've skiied since I was 14, and I have yet to be brave enough to strap on a snowboard. Not my first choice down a snowy hill.
Next time, try it two-footed. It's way easier.

Destiny said...

That's so hilarious. Happy SITS day!

the BLAH BLAH BLAHger said...

This was so me the first time I snowboarded! A gaggle of 12-year old boys found me and gave me some pointers...one of which included "it's just like makin' love to the snow." I was like "you have GOT to be kidding me." After several lessons, I finally figured it out and I LOVE it now. I hope you stuck with it!!!

Makeup Theory said...

You are much braver than I am. After the first landing in the snow, I would have retired to a warm loungy area by a fireplace with a spiked apple cider and simply looked cute in my ski outfit.

Mimi said...

Oh I tried skiing in February. It went very poorly & ended with my flying over the moving carpet whilst on the bunny hill.

WildfireBelle said...

Personally, I'd lend more mystery to the story...something like: "I broke records my very first day on the slopes!" But that's just me!

Leslie said...

I am from southern Indiana and live there (here) again today. We ski on water here. But right out of high school, I joined the Air Force and was stationed in Colorado. I lived there ten years and went snow skiing ONE TIME. Not my best day.

N said...

i remember days like that. learning to board is a humbling action.
:-)

Michelle said...

See... this THIS is why I will never snowboard. Skiing, totally cool. I love skiing. I want to go skiing. But snowboarding? It totally freaks me out. Thanks for the reminder!

jubilee said...

I don't even ski because of all the opportunity to make myself look like a fool. I feel your pain.

Gamma Sharon said...

Oh, I know how you feel! I went down the bunny hill with all these little 3 and 4 year olds zooming past me, colder than you know what (cause I didn't know what to wear in the cold) and I fell of the lift, only once though. They kept telling me to snow plow, its suppose to slow you down... I just kept falling on my ass. Finally got to the bottom and went to the lounge and had something hot and didn't go back out there again. I should have taken lessons. Great post!

Jenn Calling Home said...

Oh my. I know how painful it is learning to ski...and snowboarding...even worse! Good that you can laugh about it. Oh, and those ski lifts? Watch out. They're dangerous! Congrats on being featured at SITS.

Funny in my mind said...

I have never been skiing but if I were to go, this would be my story as well. Beaches are more fun!

Ritch in Love said...

Oh Rambler....I just read this aloud to my husband and laughed with tears rolling down my face. You need to send this into nbc or cbs or someone to be used in a sitcom episode of some kind! I have never been snowboarding and this exact experience is why. My husband was laughing saying: That would happen to YOU!

Carebear said...

I'm still laughing out loud and my kids are trying to sleep. This post is by far - and no smoke here - the funniest thing I've read on a blog EVER. I'm going to come back and read it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. The rogue cats were funny too, and most everything else I've read here (I'm already a follower) but this is a whole 'nother level of funny. Thank you for the belly laugh. I haven't had one like that since last year's season of The Office.

Juls said...

OMG, it's like 3 a.m.... I'm already crazee to begin with...and I'm laughing so hard, I almost wet my pants....

Ryan and Katie said...

Another reason why I am too afraid to ever go skiing!! So funny though!

Laura said...

I'm in MS so I don't see much snow either, so I've never had the desire to learn how to ski.

Reluctant Housewife said...

Chair lifts can be very scary. I've never tried snowboarding, but back when I used to ski I saw a lot of people have trouble getting on and off the chair lifts with boards. I think it's challenging. Don't feel bad - you're not the only one. :)

Shannon said...

LOL! You're braver than I am... I'm not even sure I'd give it a try, so kudos to you :)

Hanneke Nelson said...

Happy Saturday Share Fest! Have you recovered fully from your snowboarding adventures?

JanMary said...

Happy Sharefest Saturday :)

Hilarious - this is why I have NEVER tried skiing!

Midday Escapades said...

I agree with Maki - could be a record.

Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!! Here's my Sharefest link to my Follow post: http://bit.ly/5hre0m