When it snows in hell...

Destination: Northstar, Lake Tahoe
Objective: To break every bone of spirit and humility in Ramblers body
Age: 28

I was inspired by Ben at No Ordinary Rollercoaster to write about MY experience on the slopes. (thanks buddy, for the regurgitation!)

About 17-20 of us congregated in the Tahoe area to do the "family" thing. Of that bunch, it would be my FIRST time in snow. I'm not gonna lie. I was excited.

We arrive at Reno airport and our small caravan of cars drive the hour to our temporary home for the week. I stared out the window on our drive like a kid waiting for Disneyland to appear.

There it is....OMG...there it is...SNOW!!!!!!

My husband asks me to peel my face off the glass.

Flash forward to our first day on the mountain.

It's "recommended" for the first timers to take a series of classes through the day for us newbies. So what if my class included a bunch of 10-12 year olds.

The first class was something like...

"Learn-to-put-your-snowboard-on-the-right-way" class.

No problem. I aced it. I got my good-to-go high five from my 16 year old instructor. Come back in an hour and you'll move on to the "learn-how-to-NOT-slide-down-the-hill-on-your-ass" session.

While I was waiting around (by myself cause remember it's my first time in snow, so the other people with me were skiing/snowboarding like olympic medalists), while one of my boy/man cousins who was on "break" said to come with him. On the "easy" hill.

I stared at it, and the ski lift and felt okay.

I mean, I passed my first class...so what's the big deal?

We stood in line for the lift. I'm not thinking until we get on and I ask him...

ME: "Soo, they turn the lift to super duper slow so you can get off right?"

HIM: "Yeah!." With mock sarcasm.

Panic set in, and in the next 45 seconds he tries to cram the lesson of how to get off the chair when we get to the top. In my frantic state, I recite what he tells me...push your butt toward the edge of the chair, turn in an angle, remember only one foot is in the board, when you get off....wait, what the hell did he say about when I get off...Fricken holy hell, what did he say? Think, think....

Now I want you to imagine this, cause it's exactly how it happened...

I tried to get off the damn chair with panic-ridden determination, I really did. My not strapped in foot didn't know what to do, so I tripped. Yup, tripped. And THEN, I tried to get up and SMACK. Right, the chair behind my chair, right in the head. So, I'm thinking this is what will happen until I clear the whole thing. I start to crawl like an army guy in boot camp doing that crawl in the rain through mud with your guns crawl....(back to me) dragging my foot and snowboard and cursing myself. And then, to add humiliation syrup to my bruised ego pancakes, the ski lift operator (who by the way must have been the twin of my 16 year old instructor), walks over and tells me he has SHUT the lift off until I can get out of the way.

HIM: Do you need help Maam?
ME: O, you shut this monstrosity of metal with seats off?
HIM: Uh, yeah (in that cocky high school tone)
ME: And I'm continuing to crawl like a moron?

Thanks.

Well, after an HOUR of me trying to get DOWN a 2 minute hill, I swear to HOLY God above that I will never go on this again.

Crap, and I've missed my second class.

Third class, and finally an employee of the mountain that is legal to drink is my last instructor for the day. We learn to snowboard down the really really small bump of snow we are learning on called a bunny hill aka the kiddy hill. (That might have helped going down the first time).

Toward the end of the class he tells us we are all going up the Hill of Death.

What girlfriend? (head snap) I don't think so!

After some coaxing and the fact that he was hot and he promised to go on the ski lift with me, I actually convinced myself it would be okay. I don't know what happened but I got on the chair and my foot (damn you, don't you know what to do in the snow?) did something and I was slipping off the chair. The hero hottie that my instructor was tried to save me and we both landed face down in the snow. 5 seconds. That's how long we were on the chair. We barely left the staging area. GEEZUS! And I just know at that moment my hero hottie was questioning his certainty in my ability to be normal.

He said to try again and my slight concussion of a brain said ok...I got on and your not going to believe it but when I got to the top I just threw myself off the chair and did a duck and roll thing. Why fight it? The lift operator wasn't sure to turn off the thing or not.

He did, just because I guess they are taught to recognize crazies on the mountains.

3 times in one day. From one person. Is that a record?

-The Rambler

p.s. Sorry so long (insert guilty cough)