Randomly writing here on Tuesday...like the others

Tonight while driving home I followed a completely drunk a-hole onto the freeway. I actually called 911 to report the driver because I was so sure he was gonna take someone out.

Followed him for about 10 minutes. No cop showed up. Whatever. I did my duty.

**************

With the death of MJ, I've been for some reason into reliving my youth with his sister's music.

Like I went back to her Control album...comeon...you know your singing...

Controooollll....I'm.In.Control.

and how about a little

Nasty...Nasty boy..don't mean a thing...

Oh, Oh..whatabout

What have you done for me lately?

Yeah, I did move on from that one album but I won't sing the rest of the songs.

(how about the one with Antonio Sabato Jr? Yummmmm....)

You know...I met him once for my job. I almost had an orgasm when he smiled at me and said hello. No joke. His dimples were to DIE FOR.

**************

For some strange reason since Jon & Kate plus Eight announced the divorce thing, I've been watching their past shows...analyzing. Wondering about when it started to go wrong.

Weird. I know.

**************

Did I ever say that I have an issue saying shoulder AND solider. Like the d in solider should be like a j, right? But my brain malfunctions and gets lispy and tounge tied.

Try say the soliders shoulder hurts? Say it...

Just me?

***************

I'm at the point in my diet that I have lost almost 17 pounds. When I got sick last week I was really at a total of 21 but I guess when you don't eat for 3 days that might do it to you.

But I hate diet. But I know I need it. I must forge on.

I have until October until a special person's special day that I said I wanted to have my waistline a little skinnier.

The skinny bitch is slowly emerging.

****************

I have clean laundry piling up waiting for me to fold and put away.

I don't wannnnnaaaaaaaa.

***************

My daughter will be three this August. I can't believe it. Where in the world has the time gone? How in the world did I even get here?

My mind flips a little and says

"Aren't we 19?"

"Why do you have rules now?"

"Why can't we have that extra piece of cake?"

"When did you say going to bed at 10pm was awesome?"

"And when in the world did you think we would be up before 11am?"

I can't really remember my life before her. And it's okay because she fills my every bit of my heart and soul more than I could ever hope for...(yes, a little awww moment).

*****************

Will you fine folks visit of real life friend of mine...The ChrysantheMOM...We met through my BFF years ago and she's been my standing 'date' at events we attend BFF related. She's absolutely hands down awesome. Please say hi. Please :)

*****************

I'm confused what day is today. I worked and closed last night (off at 12:30 am). I haven't worked a Monday night in probably 8 years. It really threw me off my mental schedule.

*****************

Alright...enough random for now.

Bye Bye!

Waahhhhhh....my laptop is out of commission

So, my hard drive decided it didn't want to work anymore.

Maybe it knew I wasn't "into it". Maybe this is it's way to say....

"Here's to disrespecting me, biznatch! I quit!".

I don't know. But I feel lost without my stuff. You know...the stuff that I don't need until my computer breaks down.

My super geeky husband is going to fix it (thank heavens for a man like him that lives in this house!). For now, I have his spare laptop (remember I just said he's a geek so of course he has more than just a desktop).

No favorites, my games are gone, and praise all that is holy that most of my pictures had just been saved to an external hard drive (um, that makes me feel like I know what I'm doing, but I really really don't. Imagine blank stare as anything computer-y gets discussed. Poor geeky husband.)

*Sigh*

**Long sigh**

***Really long sigh***

P.S....Thanks to Olive Street Studios (who makes some awesome handbags...and other things) for the tag and Funny on my mind for the great award. Now back to sighing...

***SIGH***

Think About It Thursdays #23....Um, Erm, Gimme a Question.

Thanks for participating in last week's "Are you where you thought you'd be?" question.

Some comments to share from the group.

K said...

My life is isn't where I thought it would be at all - but it's actually better.

I wasn't planning on even thinking about getting married until I was 30 and never in a hundred years did I expect to be a SAHM.

I was going to be a hard core career girl all the way. I even had the hard core job for 5 years and got the masters degree.

My second is due a week before my 30th birthday and I've been married 5 years. Who knew?

Can I tell you how excited I was to read that post. That you were pregnant. Oh.My.God. So excited. I'm silly. I know :)

WhisperingWriter said...

My goal was to be published by 25.

That never happened.

I'm working on getting published by 30.

I hope that happens.

Fingers crossed. Your an excellent writer.

Shan said...

In some ways, I'm beyond where I thought I'd be.

I do feel like a grown up who knows her own mind, something I expected by 28 but didn't really get to for another few years.

I do have more than one child, something I wasn't sure would happen and almost didn't (they're 15 years apart), but nowhere near the eight I "knew" I'd have when I was younger.

The man I'm married to is frequently the stuff dreams are made of, with not too much real life "guy" thrown in. Not sure how I score like I did, so don't tell anyone.

We own a home... a dream only recently hatched and very recently achieved.

But I'm not a nurse, which was my back up plan for the eight kids. I've looked into it, but my tolerance for school isn't what it once... oh, who am I kidding? I don't have the attention span for it.

This is off topic, but this foggy-brained morning a song came on the radio. Something by Kenny Chesney, where he sings "I was going fast as a Rambler goes... " The visual image that usually comes with that song has now been replaced by some sort of amalgam of you pushing a stroller and working in a restaurant at warp speed. As I said, foggy-brained morning.

Where have you been my whole life? I completely enjoyed your comments this week!!

***************
"I'm stumped people. Gimme a question. I'll use these questions for the next couple of Think About It Thursdays post"

I haven't been really feeling the blog life lately. I can't understand it. I look at my laptop and sigh rather than burn it's lifetime in battery life down. Maybe like Mammatalk said, it's summer and maybe bloggers prefer this as a winter sport?

However, I did read a post yesterday from It's a Fine Life. It really resonated with me and I completely understood what she was writing about. About filling your emotional cup. Please go over there and check it out. Interesting read.

Until next week folks.

Think About It Thursdays #22..Are you where you thought you'd be?

Thanks for last weeks comments on your Senses!! A lot of GREAT comments :)

Martha said...

Smell- my husband's scent - He smells yummy.

Taste- Chocolate, preferably See's.

Sound- Nature: birdsong, running streams, sighs of the trees as the wind blows through their branches.

Sight- The smiles of my family, my hubby and our two sons.

Touch- Hugs

Grossest stuff, after 27 yrs as RN I have so got this covered.

Smell- Patients with GI Bleeds - it is so bad that it is necessary to do the clinician survival trick of putting Vick.s Vapo.rub under your nose and then putting on a surgical mask.

Sight- Patient smoking through their tracheotomy.

I will spare you and your dear readers anymore grossness. I mean unless you want more, than you know where to find me.
Thanks, Rambler.

Martha...whoa. I could never survive in your neck of the professional world. I am way too skirmish. People like you deserve medals for a strong stomach. Even if you gotta put Vapo Rub :)

andy said...

i'm gonna go against our flow here girls.

just 'cause i'm like that.

here are my LEAST favourite of the five senses:

touch: pulling styrofoam out of a box. can we all say "squeaky hell?"

taste: that four day old half glass of wine from my computer desk. totally disgusting, but it's all that is in the house and you need a drink so you're forced to swig it down.

smell: the boyfriends mothers cooking. i love seafood, but her fish smells like a rotten can of sardines thats been sitting out in the sun for two weeks. or she burns it. which is awesome too. makes me think i'm about to have a seizure, but then i notice that it's just her burning toast again.

sight: seeing that i only have a couple of reeelax pills left in the bottle and realizing i have to ration them until i get back to my awesome doctor.

sound: kids puking @ 02:00am. nuff said.

andy

p.s. does that make me sound too negative?

p.p.s. don't care.

Andy...for real. You crack me up!! Like I'm almost pee'ing my pants. God I heart you!!

****************

Flipping through some highly intelligent literary read (um, alright...it was People...sue me) I came across the topic for today's question to ponder.

"Did you set life goals for yourself, like what you wanted accomplished by a certain age? If you did, what are some and have you hit the mark? Knowing what you know now, would you have still made this a goal? Or stressed it's importance?"

Discuss.

This is why I'm not a girlie girl!!!

So it's been a little rough since coming home from vacation to get back into the swing of things here in Ramblerland.

I tried getting back in the saddle, but I hadn't strapped the belt right (or whatever you do for the horses and the saddle).

I've started a stupid amount of posts that all lasted as long as two sentences and it's fire went out.

But while trekking through blogland tonight I found an inspiration for a post. FINALLY.

One of my faves and oldies (not age girl, meaning length of time I've been reading her) So Not Mom-a-licous posted something today that somehow mentioned eyebrows.

And I have to tell you all a story that happened...of course..to ME.

I am a girl that wouldn't be in the fashion tent in NYC. I don't know how the frick makeup works (ask the BFF's...I make them cringe).

With that I try to go to others when attempting to beautify myself. Manicures, pedicures and lets just say waxing.

Waxing. Waxing. Waxing.
(God, it's so much taking care of ourselves. Ugh.)

So a very 8 month pregnant me and a cousin (who was more pregnant) decided to mall shop. She takes care of herself wayyyy better than I can/do/have/will.

So when she spotted this new salon at the mall and said lets do our eyebrows, I was like....

Um. M'kay.

She says. You go first. I have kid #1 acting up.

Um. M'kay.

I go into room.

It's peaceful like I'm gonna get a facial.

I tell the nice lady how I want the eyebrows.

I lie down.

We small talk about when I'm due. Sex of the baby. Blah Blah. Blah.

Then....

Some cleaning lady comes in and starts making all this noise looking for something.

She distracts nice lady WHILE waxing.

Nice lady yells at cleaning lady to hurry and leave.

Yah...awkward. My eyebrow feels 'weird'

Cleaning lady leaves.

Cleaning lady comes back.

Nice lady freaks out again.

Ramblers thinking WTF. But remains calm.

Cleaning lady leaves.

Nice lady looks back at Ramblers face and gasps.

YES.

She gasped.

The fricking nice lady ripped off almost 2/3 's of my eyebrow OFF.

She calls in makeup lady while I sit and process and think maybe it's not that bad.

Makeup lady covers up, calls me sweetie. The owner comes in and says I look beautiful. I'm rubbing my belly getting nervous.

I come out of the room. My cousin looks at me and says she doesn't need any waxing. I smile in some delusional stunned way. And we leave. I am so stunned I don't make a big deal about it. Which might explain the breathing out on the whole staff's part when we left.

I go home. I show my husband. I cry most of the night and avoid the mirror.

For 2 months, I had to have my employees at work help me put a effing fake eyebrow on with a pencil liner (remember I am clueless about makeup) and some fill in eyebrow tracer thing.

I have NOT had my eyebrows done in over 3 years now.

Wait...I do them myself...just they aren't so 'professional' looking.

Remember.

I am NOT a girlie girl!!

But I will not have a UNIBROW!

Does anyone have this feature on their phone?

Seriously. That would be great to use on my husband. (alright, only on the days we don't like each other!)

I'm sick.

Like did not get out of bed for two days sick. On the third crawled to wash dishes and sweated like a whore in church, and crawled back to bed sick.

On the fourth day, I went to work. That really really really sucked.

So all you guys get is this hilarious video that I hope you watch and this stupid post! :)

Tee-shirts to follow.

Did I mention I was a little delusional?

Interviewing can be interesting....

I've been in management for over 10 years and I have to say...

I've interviewed some really interesting characters.

Before an interview I usually like to designate someone to 'watch me'. Just in case I don't know how to politely end the interview. I don't care what they say just please come by and say it's the effing President on the phone and I have to end the interview.

Below are some of the people I get to interview at least once a month...

The Over-Talker-InterviewEE-turned-InterviewER.
(The OTITI..I know what it sounds like)

The person kind of sneaks up on you. Beware. It's innocent really, because they are dressed nice, good eye contact. They brought a pen to the interview!

(My pet peeve. To me, it's like going there without a shirt on...always be prepared. Bring a pen. You should only have to ask me for an application.)

The OTITI immediately takes over the conversation in an instant.

She/He speaks quickly and without breathing. While you stand there and attempt many inserts of your own questions, they rattle on. Oblivious to the fact the manager has not been able to ask one question except to say..."Hi, my name is Boss Rambl..."

My mind wanders a bit in between attempts. "How many pots of coffee has she had" "Will she shut up so I can ask a question" "Too bad, she looked normal"

My Designator was busy 'flirting' with a pretty gal who'd just come to his bar. (Damn him, must remember to pick more reliable Designator)

The Awkward-Quiet-My-Mother-Told-Me-to-Get-A-Job

This is a kid that usually sits on their behind at home. Just graduated from high school, maybe. Completely unmotivated. Their mother just wants them to get OUT OF THE HOUSE. (I don't blame her).

This makes for a most awkward interview because of their one word answers to all your questions.

Or blank looks because they can't believe they had to dress up with a nice shirt and tie and sit at a table with an "old" lady and answer questions.

For me, this is an easy interview to end quickly.

Don't call me, I'll call you kind of thing.

The-Don't-Look-Me-In-The-Eyes-Person

I grew up learning to shake hands firmly and look people in the eyes. Shifty eyes can be unsettling and uncomfortable.

This person from the moment you shake hands looks over, around and below you. I find myself secretly brushing past my mouth, nose and eyes blindly searching for remnants of food, buggers and or crap attached to my face in an unattractive way. Or checking to see if my bra strap is showing or toilet paper is stuck on my shoe. All at the same time. Because shifty eyes makes me nervous.

I ask my questions. I get answers but with very little to no eye contact. Again, I wonder if the spinach I ate days ago is somehow lodged still between my two front teeth. Very distracting for a person like me doing an interview.

And usually after the interview...I go to a mirror to check myself out.

Gotta catch another thing...Person

"Dude...you the manager?"

"Yes?" (Oh God)

"So, do you have to work hard here?"

"Um..." (Oh Lord. Really?)

"Cause I need money...but I don't enjoy working. Dude."

"Erm...I'm not hiring right now" (As I hide the Now Hiring sign)


***********

So words of advice from Boss Rambler here.

Bring a pen, shake hands firmly but not WWF-ly, make good eye contact, and let the interview be a two way conversation.

Think About It Thursdays #21...Tell me your Senses...

Thanks to those that participated in last weeks influential person question last week.

Some comments to share with the classroom today :)

OliveStreetStudio said... Thanks for your story - very nice that you had the unexpected opportunity to thank this supportive man!! I have two minor bits to contribute:

To the woman who gave me my first job in an ice-cream parlor when I was 12 - I worked for her for 7 summers and she really helped bring me out of my shy-shell. I eventually ran the shop and placed our orders. She trusted me with running her business. To this day I tell her that job was my absolute favorite in the world (and not because i got to eat ice cream everyday!)

My negative on this: My Aunt, who when I told I wanted to major in Biology, told me I'd never make any $$ or I'd have to go to med school....she discouraged me at 16 YOs and I got nervous so I switched my major. To this DAY I regret not pursuing my love of science...BUT I have gone back to school and taken bio, chem, and physics classes and one day hope to teach HS Chemistry. :-)

I loved that you had someone that was an influence on both ends. Great comment!!

WhisperingWriter said...

Wonderful post.

To be honest, I think it WAS my parents who were quite influential in my life. You see, my Mom was an Officer in the Air Force and she battled all sorts of sexism. She never gave up. Then my Dad decided to stay home with me because he walked in to pick me up at daycare once and he didn't like the tone the providers were using at the children. So he quit his job and became a SAHD. Back in those days, it wasn't done as often so he was mocked quite a bit. Both of my parents have always fascinated me.

As I grow older I find myself looking at my parents lives at the age I am now, their decisions in life they made and looking at it with the eyes of an adult. I understand a little better why things were the way they were. I'm glad you had parents that weren't scared to not be the cookie cutter type of parents that were expected!

vanover521 said...

i would have to say the wife of the youth pastor i hated.

confused? ok let me explain.

he was a guy who just rubbed me the wrong way.

his wife was sweet, caring, thoughtful, loved God with everything in her. she was everything i ever wanted to be.

well... except for being married to him.

she was someone who would listen to anything, was supportive, helpful. she cared so much about each of us girls. it's amazing when i think back to her.

and no, i don't think that i've ever been able to tell her how i feel about it because they've long since moved and i've lost touch with her. not that i couldn't find them with a bit of detective work.

but she was amazing. and probably still is.

I have always been fascinated with finding someone that is absolutely wonderful and to find their partner to be someone you would never want to be in a room with.

************************
Okay so my sister Antibloggedy inspired my question for today....

"Tell me your favorite/funny/gross thing about the 5 senses. Sense of Smell, Sound, Taste, Touch & Sight"


Me?

Smell...Chocolate and hot bread....especially if together...mmmmmm.
Sound..My daughters laughter.
Taste...The chocolate and hot bread (What...I can have this has two things right?)
Touch...My daughters hugs.
Sight...Lil Rambler...EVERYDAY.

Okay people...

Discuss.

Mental Note to Self.....

Mental Note to Self'ing for future reference....

...When Lil Rambler and I play catch and throw with Jack N Box Antenna Ball....pay attention.

...Don't smile gloriously when husband whines he's "exhausted" from watching the kid for almost 2.5 days straight....(Buwahahahahahahaha)

...When scheduling myself the "this 40 hours in 3 days will kill you schedule" tell myself I'm stupid...no, no, tell me it's ludicrous and you (wait, isn't it I?) should be confined to a crazy home.

...Be better prepared when something like my 300th post came and went...WHAT..yah, it totally did! Yeah me.

...Being more prompt when thanking people like Janana Bee and Mama Loco for being a winner to their giveaways!!!....Janana Bee made me a kick ass CD to workout to (like 1o zillion years ago..bowing for forgiveness for my complete rudeness). Mama Loco...oh man, you gotta check out what I won from her...If I wasn't so lame you'd be seeing photos of my Boyphone (IPhone for you newbies) with Janana Bee's playlist labeled Kick Ass Playlist....and photos of me fawning over my goodies from Mama Loco.


That will conclude today's post folks...as when I mentioned I worked 40 hours Friday to Sunday any creativity or excitement for writing was zapped when I wrote the title. (tee hee). This does not include Wed and Thursdays 16 hours.

I know...eat some cheese with that whine Rambler!

Hi, my name is Zombie Mom.

You know her.

Maybe you are her.

She's the woman who slides out of bed while leaving barely an imprint of herself in the bed. She fights with the eye boogey that has attached itself to the top AND bottom eyelash. And prays that the toothpaste is really toothpaste and not husband's shaving cream.

The eye boogey has been washed out with remnants of water and traces of toothpaste left on fingers. Searing pain still does not wake her fully.

And stumbles out of the bathroom.

She dresses.

She looks in mirror. With one eye.

She re-dresses as her yoga pants are on backwards.

She answers the pleas of Juuucee & Eat.

The toddler of the Zombie mother has already gotten up. And has already lined all toys out on the floor from front door to her bedroom.

Toddler has the energy that defeats the family of the energizer bunnies and wants Zombie mom on full attention.

All before a decent cup of coffee.

Do you know her?

Think About It Thursdays...#20. Your Influential person.

So here's the moment I turn off the funny and ask the serious bone in my body to come forward.

Last week I had a client, from a local school, throw a function at my restaurant for their junior and senior students. Their vice principal was to show up and be the "official" representative of the school to make sure the event is 'respectable' from start to finish.

When I went to introduce myself I was surprised to find it was someone from my past I hadn't seen in almost 15 years. My high school counselor. This man got me through teenage angst over lost loves, my parent's divorce, my father's death, and almost not graduating high school. He was a rock that stood in the storm of my life at the time. He gave me stability when I had none. He stood and really believed in me as a person.

Gently he prodded and never gave up on me.

He was one of 2 people in my educational life that had a direct impact in my believing in myself.

I hadn't expressed my thanks properly while a senior in high school, so I gushed and told the other teachers and party go-ers NOW how special their vice principal was. How much he had done for me.

I really hope that he knew how important he was to me in that part of my life. I really really hope. I hope that he felt I had done something with myself. Running a restaurant with about 80 employees.

Because if he told me then back in 1993 that one day I'd be here now, I might have never believed him. But then again, he is part of why I can be here today.

************************

"Who has been influential in your life (not including your parents) and were you able to express gratitude for their role and what it's done for you?"

Oh Dear God....B-52 Cockroach & The Rambler.

Just when I was sitting here yearning for something tangible to write.

This happened.

A B-52 Cockroach.

When I say B-52, I am completely implying that they fly.

:shuddering:

It's hotter than a pig sweating the chopping block in Hawaii. The trade winds have taken their own vacation. Somewhere. Just not in Hawaii.

(Yeah, Yeah...You all are like take a friggin number Rambler. YOUR hot? Puh-lease)

Dream sequence fingers back to me.

Being hot, I had my lanai (porch) screen door open for extra air flow. Not realizing that the mammoth of a cockroach (which is extremely COMMON in Hawaii..Ask Pseudonymous High School Teacher or Tutu's Bliss. Or my other local blogger pals.) flapped it's ugly wings into my living room. It's movement distracted me to the point of getting uncomfortable.

I had a little big girl talk with myself (and the fact that my "not talking to my husband" pride wasn't dare going to ask him for help) to get a towel and whack the crap out of it.

:extreme shuddering:

I wildly and blindly went for the monster who took to walking on the ceiling. As I landed my first crazy whack....it took flight...for my face...

and

I.freaked.the.eff.out.

It's still somewhere and I just might take refuge in my car.

Because if I don't...this might happen.


Alright...tell me...how many of you just erched your back?

I need to go now...as I am writing this in the middle of the living room while sitting on my daughter dinner table.

It's safer.

Maybe.

The last time one of them suckers hid in my couch while we battled a year ago and what happened in the video happened to little ole' me.

Damn.

Think I'll kill the car battery tonight if I leave it on? You know, for the AC?

Cause if I leave the window open I can only imagine the nightmare of the shenanigans that will take place if the roach follows me to the car.

:shuddering intensely:

First day back at work....after Va-kay.

Is it just me or does going back to work the first day after vacation.....SUCK ASS.

Yes.

Egads. I know. I said ass. I rarely swear on this blog (for fear my grandmother will maybe one day read this blog of mine and tell me she'll come clean my mouth with soap. It will be proof that I'm not a totally classy lady, because in real life, truck drivers got nothing on me.)

Anway, back on point here.

Seriously. I went back to work and felt like being there but not really "being there" (insert air hand quotation for more effect). Like an out of body experience watching yourself do the work. I only wish I had a margarita while watching myself.

Slapping my face. Back to story.

I walk in and everyone has to tell me everything I've missed (may I just put my purse down first and look at my desk for a moment), and then listen to adults (my staff)bicker (for God's sake people, GROW the EFF UP. The children (ages 1-3)on my vacation played nicer together than you all and those with children know sometimes that's hard to do.)

Maybe I'm getting too old for my job. I really did feel like I was channeling Danny Glover from Lethal Weapon...



I know. Stop my whining.

I just had some days off. I should be refreshed and all rose colored happy walking into work today. Well, I don't wanna.

Humpfh. (crossing my arms with major pouty lips.)

How about that!?!

Come back next time for Ramblers kick and scream tantrum on the ground when she stays up past her vacation bed time.

(I kid)

I'mmmmm backkkkkkkk.

Yes.

Vacation is over.

I'm back to my daily life. (Hint that I didn't hit it big on the penny machine in Lake Tahoe)

Of eating healthy again (cause you know vacation doesn't call for healthy eating...unless a chocolate chip bagel with honey cream cheese and Inn N Out Burgers are somehow on the surprise you can lose weight eating this list.)

Having to help guests that were born to make me miserable when they walk into my restaurant. (yes these people exist! It was great getting to eat and spot them out and know I wouldn't have to explain why the napkin was off kelter or that the salt wasn't filled to the top.)

Picking up doggy poo. (and fending off ninja cats. One sat by my step welcoming me home, letting me know it knows I'm back.)

And catching up on my bloggy reading (and writing).

I know it's Thursday and I usually post the Think About It stuff but well....you understand.

I just got back from vacation :)

And to the lovely Janana Bee (everything you want to know about raising boys), MammaDucky (a yummy recipe post), So Not Mom-a-licous (how we are going to get our two kids together), and Muppet Soul (Men we'd do dead or alive).

Thank you for watching the place.

Who doesn't want a little Muppet Soul? Guest Post #4

Oh blog people. Are you in for a treat today! I don't know or understand this type of blog love crush but I have it for Muppet Soul. And she crushes back. If you don't know this fantabulous woman blogger you must go now. Well after you read this post....but really.

This ends my guest posting peeps. I'll be returning back to full duty tomorrow (boo hoo).

********************

Good day, my little Ramblitas & itos.

Today's guest post brought to you by Muppet Soul. ( That's me - just thought the 3rd person would give it a sense of occasion).

Miniature awkward introduction: Hi kids! My name is Muppet. I'm a 27 year old writer who lives in Los Angeles. On my blog, you will find my humiliating dating history ( just-the-tip in your belly button, anyone?), photo walk-throughs of Hollywood landmarks, the occasional paranormal story, and hostility towards whatever I see fit. I love bad weather ( was L.A. a bad choice?), public breakdowns, and Mexican hot chocolate which I can't seem to find anywhere. I keep repeating this in my guest posts - but if you are in any way muppety (covered in felt, eggs on your vocal chords, or walk with your arms moving independently of your body) we should be friends. Also? I love Rambler. I would like to let my hands ramble all up in her blouse.

So here I am, depositing some secrets like a suburban family man at a whore house. Rambler and I are both old married ladies ( try not to hold this against me). So naturally, as a guest poster, I thought we should discuss men I would like to do, marriage be damned. Originally I was going to write "Dead men I would do, Death be damned", but decided to mix in some live ones as well.




10 Men I would Do, Marriage Be Damned (In Random Order)



1. River Phoenix



Let's start with a dead one.

I know what you're thinking - the fact that he's been dead for 15 years might make a tryst slightly problematic.

But, as those-who-read-my-blog know, River Phoenix, in my mind, is the pinnacle of hotness, the Buddha-of-Hotness, the hot little hippie all hot-dead celebrities should strive to be.

In my fantasy, I am 15, 16... Old enough to be a little whorish, young enough to be a virgin. (Okay, maybe 14). I meet him, somehow, on the set of Stand by Me ( come to think of it I don't think there are any ladies, much less muppety-ones in that movie, but say I'm the one lady-extra).

He woos me.. He compliments me... He brushes the hair out of his face repeatedly just so I can watch, we openly mock Corey Feldman together. He insists on taking my virginity, and after brilliantly acting like there's something to contemplate, I oblige. He throws me down in the grass somewhere, and I let all of him flow through me like a.. well, you know.

This provides me with a much better virginity story than "I was watching Silence of the Lambs in some basement, and he had trouble getting it up and blamed it on the Salsa".



2. Brad Pitt


An oldie, but a goodie.

The fantasy must be pre-Jennifer Aniston, because who wants that sort of tabloid trouble.. Also, in the fantasy, I'm just as pretty as he is, because who wants that sort of blow to the ego...

We're spies in some south-american country... Some sort of gang war or government revolt breaks out, and we pretend to be husband and wife to avoid further questions as to why we are in this colorful country to begin with.

We end up sharing a bottle of Tequila in a rundown cafe, and long after the cafe has closed and the rain has started pouring down, I straddle him on a chair, mercilessly kissing and humping him. But, you know, sexy.

Actually that's a scene from Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but still.



3. Angelina Jolie


So she's not a man, screw you, it's my list and you know she'd be on yours, too.

Angelina decides, that despite her Mommy status, she is going to return to her weird-roots, and rejuvenate herself as the strange, slightly-dark Angelina.

She tells the ever-understanding-Brad that she cannot take the confines of being a monogamous heterosexual, and needs to appoint a girlfriend... When he asks who, she insists on a weird-little-muppety-writer. I get the weird-and-pouty Angelina while Brad babysits. She carries my blood around her neck and pouts wherever she goes.



4. Steve from Ghost Hunters


All together now - who??

Steve is my T.V. husband. He's this lovely man on this lovely show on Sci Fi, Ghost Hunters. He's an ex-cop who's a paranormal investigator, and gives personal-interviews with the egotistical manner & seriousness of a hardened politician. He's covered in tattoos, and is afraid of everything (flying, bugs, heights, etc. etc. etc.) and quivers at the thought of anything but ghosts. He's not the hottest guy in the world, but something about him has Muppety appeal.

In my fantasy, he insists I come along to all haunted locations, and when they're not filming we sneak off to weird places and he talks dirty to me about ectoplasm.

(My friend who works on the show insists that he's slightly dickish, and to not laminate my list if he's on it... I want proof!)



5. Johnny Depp


Another classic, a forever-kind-of-love. In my fantasy, he does me anywhere and everywhere, in his Jack Sparrow costume and saying weird things to me in french. Afterward, he would roll me a cigarette.



6. Matthew Perry



I know it's a little weird. And to tell you the truth, I don't know if I really want to have sex with Matthew Perry - I think it's more that I would like to have sex with Chandler Bing. The man makes me giggle in a non-threatening way and I have a funny FETISH.

If it were Matthew Perry.. Let's see... It's 2002 or so, and I accompany Brad Pitt when he guest stars on the show ( because, you know, after our South American affair, we're still friends). Mr. Perry slips me a note, and I go to his dressing room. He could not BE any more naked.

And if we're talking Chandler Bing, I guess in the fantasy, I'm Monica.



7. Jordan Catalano... err, I mean...


While we're on the subject of characters-more-than-actors...I realize Jared Leto is gorgeous, but Jordan Catalano is the stuff of DREAMS.

I want to be Angela Chase... I want to stalk Jordan Catalano in the halls of a Pennsylvania High School... I want to watch him lean against things, sigh dramatically, and take ten minutes to string together a sentence..

Then, in front of Rayanne, Ricky, Brian, and the whole damn school, I want him to walk down the hall towards me - in slow motion - and take my hand. And if I'm operating Angela Chase, here, I WOULD give him my virginity ( or at least omit the fact that River Phoenix had already taken it).



8. Matt Damon


Circa Good Will Hunting. It would not be an act of good will to give him a good humping.



9. Leonardo Dicaprio


Frankly, I think he's a bit of a douche bag... I loathe men who date models exclusively.. This is not a good indicator that he has an actual personality.

But the pre-douche Leo, the Leo of "Romeo & Juliet".. The Leo with the hair in his face, the Leo who could fall in love with a Claire Danes (damn her - she was ridiculously lucky for awhile there)...

I would wash his hair, then I'd devour him. Maybe gnaw off an earlobe.



10. Vince Vaughn/Will Ferrell/Steve Carell


Like I said, I have a funny-fetish... And since neither of these men particularly stand out as way-more-hot-than the other, let's just do them all, shall we?

Somehow, all three would insist that I was the love of their lives (and 2/3 would leave their wives). I would not be able to choose between them - like that episode of Golden Girls where Dorothy (sob) can't decide between Lyle Waggoner and Sonny Bono. Rather than lose me to another man, they all begin to woo me mercilessly.

Vince is a non-stop comedy routine, Will dirty talks me like that filfthy professor character, and Steve, oh Steve - Steve dances. Eventually they all agree to a four-way, and in the end, I choose... Oh hell, who do I choose?



And that, kids, is my list of men I would do despite being happily married. Maybe my husband could video tape.

Take care of my Rambler, or I'll take out my sexual-celebrity-fantasies on your leg.

So Not Mom-a-licous....Guest Post #3

Welcome friends to the third installment of my guest posting while on vacation. I'm hoping you all had a lovely Memorial Day Weekend!

I stalked Mom-a-licous until she HAD to come over and friend me. We decided we were very much alike and promised forever friendships. (well, I did anyway....still waiting for her to to check the box yes). Please enjoy this hilariously awesome lady today.

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Hey everybody! When The Rambler asked me to guest post, I was so excited! No one has ever asked me to do something of this magnitude. I mean a chance to whore my blog out on another person's blog?! And one with such a great following. Awesome about sums it up for me!

Of course, at first, I wasn't in the least bit nervous because it wouldn't be my fault if I bombed. Well, even if it was my fault she was the one who asked, right? I wondered if I should talk about things that I talk about on my blog. (Isn't that like great product placement? I know, that's what I was thinking! Seriously though, some of them are funny posts. Kind of.)

So then I started thinking about what I was going to write. And my deadline began to approach fast. I started to get a little nervous while I racked my brain about what topics to write about. I thought about asking her, but the reason she wanted a guest poster was so she didn't have to think about that part!

Then the anxiety started kicking in and when I get anxious I tend to talk very fast and in very long run on sentences where it seems like I never come up for air until I literally can't breathe anymore at which point I might stop to gasp for a small breath but only in order to finish the one long continuous thought I was trying to get across. Yeah, kind of like that.

I figured I would talk about how awesome The Rambler is. I know we all know this, but I mean it genuinely. Every time I think of her, I always picture her smiling. Never in a bad mood. And on top of being funny, she always has such nice things to say and such great words of encouragement.

But then I realized that I think we already know all of her qualities and how she can't handle cat attacks and how all the boys she works with are obsessed with b0Obs. So I figured I would maybe start going into how Lil' Rambler is just adorable. And her and my son, The Kid, are very close in age. As mothers, we can relate to so much on so many levels.

Then, as I was thinking about how charming our two children are, I started thinking about what it would be like if someday they met. Maybe my family would be on vacation in Hawaii, and we would eat at The Rambler's restaurant. Somehow, The Rambler and I would recognize each other. We'd introduce our kids. They'd fall in love. Next thing you know I have a timeshare in Hawaii that has The Rambler's address.

I started picturing how adorable my grandchildren would be. The Kid's blue eyes, Lil' Rambler's curly locks. I was going to morph their two little pictures together to see what my future grandchildren would look like. *sigh* They would be "Ramb-a-licious". Heavenly. We could plan summer and holiday vacations together. I've always wanted to visit Hawaii. Now I could maybe live there! (sidenote from Rambler..How SICK is that? the good hip kind of sick....Ramb-a-licious!!! I love her)

Then I realized that there was a possibility that this could all boarder on stalking charges. Not that I can drop everything in a minute to jump on a plane to fly to Hawaii to show up at her restaurant just to meet her. But stranger things have happened.

So Rambler can I have another week to think about a really good topic to write about? Just let me know!




Ahhh, how I heart thee. Forever yours Mom. Forever yours.

Yum Yum MammaDucky...Guest Post #2

What can I NOT say about Mammaducky? Like Janana BEE we've been bloggy pals for a while now. That almost feels like eternity in bloggy time. MD is absolutely a talented, witty, can cook, hysterical, mean mommy fighting chica who I'm blessed to know. I knew instantly what I wanted from her. As this blog will never have a HOW TO COOK THIS post it was obvious I would beg her for one.

Read on friends, and let your tummies rumble from the yumminess of it all.

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First of all, I need to say how incredibly honored I am that our friend, The Rambler, asked me to do a guest post while she is away. Friggen awesome! I giggled like a little school girl when she asked me. I then proceeded to obsess about which recipe I would post. So many options! So many people to impress! I narrowed it down to two different pies: banana split pie or caramel apple pie.

I chose this one

Don't worry kids, check my blog in the very near future for the other recipe!

This pie is SUPER easy and friggen yummy. It never fails to impress at BBQs or other gatherings. How 'bout y'all bring this bad boy to your Memorial Day soirees!

Ok, here we go.

Run out and getcha some:

1 Graham cracker pie crust

1 pkg cream cheese, softened (you can limit the fat content by choosing low fat or fat free cream cheese, but where is the fun in that?)

1/2 Cup sugar

2-3 bananas, sliced on the diagonal

1/2 can crushed pineapple, drained

small container of cool whip

Maraschino cherries

pecans/peanuts/walnuts/no nuts ;)
Hershey's syrup

Beat the cream cheese and sugar in a small bowl. GENTLY spread the cream cheese mixture into the pie crust. Layer the sliced bananas on top of that, followed by the pineapple. Spread Cool Whip on top.

On a paper towel, drain the cherries. Do not skip this step or your pie will look, ummm, interesting when those cherries start to bleed their juice everywhere. Plop the cherries on top, use as many as you fancy. Sprinkle the nuts on, or skip the nuts all together. Drizzle the chocolate syrup on top of the whole thing and you're done...no seriously, that's it.

See man, I told you it was easy. Easy as pie, if you will. ZING!!! Man I'm funny. Maybe not.

**Side note** If you're going to a bigger event, or you just feel like you need MORE of this tasty treat you can crush 2 sleeves of graham crackers, mix that up with 1 stick of melted butter and press it into a 9 x 13 pan. Then just double everything else in the recipe and you're good to go.

Enjoy.

That seems easy. But around these Rambler parts easy and cooking/baking don't come easy. Oh Mammaducky if I could only live next door. I'd eat like a queen. Cause you KNOW me and Team Rambler would be knocking at your back door for meals :)

The Lovely Janana Bee. Guest Post #1

Aloha Bloggy pals. Welcome to 1 of 4 guest posts being done while I Va-kay somewhere else. Yes.

I know.

I'm in Hawaii.

Why do I want to go anywhere else for Va-kay? Even an island girls needs too see the world.

Janna and I have been reading each other since I started back up last year. You can't NOT love this woman. It's like having a long time friend around who really 'knows' me and my blog.

So without further adieu...The first lovely lady to grace your eyes.

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When the Rambler asked me to write a post for her while she vacationed in California, I was shocked. Not because she asked me to post for her, but she lives in Hawaii and she's vacationing in California? Why? (I kid, I kid.) I was genuinely honored to be asked, and the Rambler is one of my favorite bloggers.

So because many of you do not know me, let me introduce myself. My name is Janna, and I live in a house filled with testosterone. In my household we have two little boys and my husband, and then little old me. I grew up in a female centric house and worked at female centric jobs all my life, and so the male species has always been somewhat of an enigma to me. My oldest is four years old, and I am just now starting to get the hang of living in a house full of boys. As I am such an expert- (yeah right)- let me tell you what I have learned over the years:

Toys!
No matter how many toys you have, you can never have enough balls. Make sure to get as many balls in as many sizes as you can. This goes for trucks as well. You must also own one lawnmower for each child in the house. When your children's father and your son(s) start ganging up on you to invest in a riding lawn mower, feign deafness. Or ignore. And repeat.

The Wiggly, Slimy, Creepy-Crawly Stuff!
Worms. Get to know them, love them, and understand one day, even in Michigan in January you might find that your son has filled his coat pockets with the slimy things. (True story. I shudder just remembering it!) Also be prepared for your child to be fascinated by spiders, ants, and any other insect that you find disgusting!

Photo by Shygantic

Potty Time!
When removing your infant boy's diaper, take it off, and then put it back on quickly, unless you want to be showered in pee. I know you have probably heard this one before, but the moment you get complacent and forget to is the moment they decide to shower you!

Once it is finally time to potty train your son, resign yourself to the fact that boys are hard to potty train and your son might wear diapers until he's five. Then, when he potty trains sooner than that, you will feel like you are he is a genius. Once your son is potty trained, scrub around your toilet often. I think you all KNOW what I am talking about!

(Side note: Hide your feminine products, otherwise they might become craft projects/science experiments/nose plugs.)


The Other Child- i.e., The Father!
I cannot forget to mention the other little boy man in your life. He becomes quite the helper immediately after your son is born. He makes sure everything looks right "down there", you know, in case the doctor misses anything. Once the child is "much older" (about 3 months) also makes sure to inform his son of all the important things in life sports.

If your son has no interest in sports, remind your partner of all the cool interests he has (trucks, for example) and tell your partner not to worry, he will be interested in sports later on in life. And then pray. Or have another boy, and pray he is interested in sports. I am thankful for my youngest son for having an early interest in all sports, and thankful that I have my oldest son who also thinks (like me) that hockey games are boring as h-e-double hockey sticks.

Those Awkward Conversations!
As far as the sex talk, breathe a sigh of relief that you are not in charge of the birds and the bees story- leave that up to the Father. Your excuse for not helping with this: "it makes more sense to have you talk about it, because you are a guy".

However, understand that at one point you will have to have a weird discussion about breasts and nipples that you never wanted to have. Just do your best to trudge through it and then wipe it from your memory.

The Good, Bad and the Ugly
At some point you will think that your son is perfect and he will never meet anyone that will get him and be special enough for him. Stop that, otherwise you might become THAT Mother when you are older, that overprotective Mother-in-law that drives your son's partner crazy. Try to remind yourself that you're son is not as perfect as you think.

(Side note: If you possess the ability, make sure to teach your son to cook. His partner will thank you for it.)

Most Importantly...
Feel lucky that you have a little boy, because the stories are true- Mommies and their boys have a special bond, one that is different from Mommies and daughters. Little boys are incredibly sweet when they want to be. (Also be glad that you never have to suffer the teenage years with a daughter.)



There you have it. My insights into the "masculine mystique". I'm sure you learned a lot. You can thank me later.

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Please. Go stop by her place today. Show some love love love.

Mrs. BEE. YOU ROCK!

V to the A to the KAY baby....

That's right bloggy pals.

It's MY turn to go on vacation and leave the islands most people want to come to.

Where does one go ,I often get, if you live in Hawaii?

Some joke that Las Vegas is Hawaii's 8th island.

I'm sorta going close to there.

Lake Tahoe, Nevada.

I'll be putting some pennies in a slot machine.

Maybe going large by putting down a dollar at one time in the quarter machine (I know, I know...don't go crazy right? :)

After all that small time casino stuff, Team Rambler and Extended Team Rambler (along with sister Anti-bloggedy) will be traveling to San Francisco to visit with Grandpa/ma Rambler and attend a high school graduation for the youngest cousin.

This will not leave me time for much blogging, reading, commenting. But don't you worry my friends.

FOUR fantastically fabulous ladies will be holding the fort down while I'm gone.

Janana Bee
The Secret life of the Bees


MammaDucky @ Princess & Pickles
(A recipe post...and lord knows we haven't seen one of THOSE around here. Can we say meal in a box anyone?)

So Not Mama-Licious

Muppet Soul

Thank YOU ladies!!

Okay. I'm lying if I say I won't check this at all. I'll poke my head in here just to make sure everyone's playing nice :)

House hunting blues....Beyond strike threes.

Where do I start?

It's pretty much the standard dream. A girl wistfully dreams of growing up and meeting Prince Rambler and hopefully owning a castle with a 2 car garage and a white picket fence.

Am I right?

Paradise is an expensive place to live.

So when I found a place that seemed to good to be true.

It was.

This is the short story of my first visit to a home to possibly purchase. EVER. Where I want to put a pretty serious amount of moola in front of you to let me take YOUR home away from you. So it can be MINE. (When I say serious. I just mean my serious. More than I've ever spent. Some of you may scoff at it's littleness. BUT HEY. Rant over.)

Shall we begin?

Can I just say that when the Realtor shows up AFTER you for their open house, this may not lead to a good start. We weren't even early? Strike one.

And then you walk in and the first steps you smell is a house that might have not seen fresh air in days. Maybe weeks. Strike two.

The carpets could HAVE been vacuumed at least for goodness sakes. It would have slightly helped the fact that the carpet was stained every color of the rainbow throughout the home. Strike three.

The place was obviously home to a family with small children. But would it have hurt to wipe the crayon/pen marks EVERYWHERE. I mean, I have a kid but I think if I really NEEDED to sell my house I'd have tried to repaint over it or gave it a courtesy wipe. An attempt. Something. Strike Four.

Did I mention it was HOT in there?

Are you asking WHY I made it that far and didn't walk out?

I became curious how much more the people didn't do and that this place needed to be sold?? How do you convince someone to purchase this home if you show it like this?

The garage was packed with crap. You couldn't put a motorcycle in it if you tried. This 'area' always was the laundry room area. You could open the dryer but what good is it if you can't even get to the washer?

How the hell do these people live like that?

My uncle/realtor, husband and I thanked the realtor for his time and walked quietly to the car. As soon as the car door was closed I said I'd rather drive 2 hours further then live in that craphole.

Isn't the concept. I sell, I make product pretty for sale, you come, you like, you buy? Or at least give them visuals for potential?

Wow. Pictures can be deceiving when your looking at them on a website.

Sigh.

Off to hunting, again.

Waiting for prices to go down, fingers crossed.

Hoping seven dwarfs will come my way and ask me and the rest of Team Rambler to move in to their spare 3 bedroom/2 bath townhouse for free and all we gotta do is clean the main house while they heigh ho to work?

Sigh again.

A girl can dream.